This might be long.....

my baby is almost 6 months old and is my whole world along with her three siblings. The baby’s father is also part of my whole world and I wouldn’t be anywhere if it were not for him. And that is it those are the only true family I have right now. No mom, no siblings, no friends... just us.... I am normally perfectly fine with just us.. but lately just us hasn’t been enough. I try to make friends but that never lasts long because people like to take advantage of me and I let them. ( a big negative about myself). Having major trust issues... First an immediate family abandonment, this includes my siblings and my parents. (Long story and no it wasn’t drugs or anything like that if I knew what happened I would say and yes I’m serious I’ve had counseling for it and they said it was mostly my mother without saying it exactly in those words she was by far my biggest bully. I moved out at 18 and never looked back I’ll be 41 this year) I can not forgive my biggest bullies not sure if I ever will be able to. They stopped speaking to me years ago. I called to see what time Thanksgiving was and they told me it would be better if I didn’t come. My first marriage filled with lies, I thought it was great then I found out I was a fool. Looking through rose colored glasses. Silly me to think everything could be so great. My current marriage is going great but boy are there moments when I second guess it... like now. I have no one to talk to about any part of my life except him. And again normally I’m ok with it. Lost my mother in law one month to the day before the baby was born. I miss her she was my friend and my mom and all she wanted was this baby. I haven’t stopped putting flowers out or keeping a candle lit for her. And it’s been over 6 months... I’m having a hard time with that. My husband I don’t think realizes how hurt I am. Probably because he’s hurt too. And i asked him if it would be ok to shower after baby’s bath but that never happened. I’m lucky if I get to shower at all. ( right now it’s been since saturday) the baby consumes a lot of time... he’s on vacation for two weeks But we don’t have money to go anywhere so it’s a staycation and all day I wanted to shower but he wanted to do laundry which of course I’m fine with... but I really just want to shower I feel gross... I never ask to get my nails done or hair or wax nothing like that cause we really don’t have extra money for that and again I’m totally ok with that. I’m not that kind of girl anyways. It’s nice once in a while but not necessary... I don’t ask for anything for myself not even underwear or bras I never have and really never do unless it’s groceries or something for the baby. I don’t need it. I would rather have bushy eyebrows so the baby could have something or my husband can have what he needs after all he works really hard to take care of ALL of us. But I just want a shower.... I probably won’t get one until about midnight and by then I’m going to be way too tired to want to do it... I wish I had just a friend or someone to listen to me and I would listen to them. Just a friend to bullshit with who won’t ever judge me like I would never judge them... just someone... I’m not asking for a friend this is merely a vent and why I posted anonymously. I’m just tired, tired and lonely and dirty lol. I just really want to shower. Oh and I wouldn’t mind eating something too... haven’t had anything since breakfast but at least I had that. I just feel super lonely right now... kind of sucks. Ok I guess my pity party is over. I know this won’t last forever and I remind myself of that. The baby I’ve only been holding for 15 minutes has decided to wake up. I hope and wish that no one feels the way I do. And if you do go talk to a friend if you have one or your mom if you have one of those... maybe even your dad. And talk to them for me too lol. Thank for listening or reading if you did. I truly appreciate it💛... feels good to just get it off my shoulders. Time to put the mom uniform back on and take the little girl one off lol. Much love to you all. And yes we might not get to shower or maybe eat or even pee but it’s is worth it... it’s just lonely sometimes 💛