Nighttime depression

Does anybody else feel like the darkness closes in on them at night? My boyfriend told me he loved me three times in a row and each time it hurt more and more. I feel both the truth and the lies in my mind and in the real world, yet I’m so overcome with whatever is in my head, that I feel I can’t be loved, I fuck up too much, I don’t deserve him, I’m mean, I’m always snappy, I’ll never succeed in my relationships.

One side of me knows it’s all garbage in my head and I need to shut it down, but the other side of me struggles so hard with how I feel. I’d almost rather be numb and not feel love from anyone, cause it hurts less. No I’m not on my period. No I’m not pregnant. Not looking for sympathy. I guess it helps just writing down my thoughts.