can’t stop thinking about my ex boyfriend

my ex boyfriend and i were together for 3 years and broke up in march (technically we took a “break” at the beginning of march and broke up at the end, but we basically broke up). it was kind of out of nowhere, but i could also feel it slowly coming for a long time. he’s very depressed and has mentioned suicide, over time it’s gotten worse and he’s become very distant from me more than anybody. he said he can’t deal with his issues if he relies on me to fill in his gaps. we said we’d still be friends.

if i’m being honest, i think for a while i knew i couldn’t see us together forever. i used to want to marry him and we’d talk about our kids and our house. then overtime he didn’t want to get married, then he didn’t wanna have kids anymore cause he said he just had so many of his own issues that he didn’t want to pass on. so i stopped talking about marriage because i could tell it made him feel pressured. the month leading up to our breakup he actually started talking about marriage again on his own, he said he never thought of himself as the husband type, but i made him believe in himself and in us.

but most of the time he was distant, and even though i loved him i couldn’t see myself being married to someone who was emotionally absent. plus, i didn’t want to really be apart of his family or have kids that were apart of his family (specifically because of his dad).

i remember i used to think to myself we were gonna come to an end naturally, so i think i’ve been dealing better than i would’ve otherwise, but i still don’t think i was completely ready.

even though i know deep down it’s probably for the best, i still feel stuck on this. i think about him and us all day.

we haven’t spoke for like 2 1/2 months but the past week we talked a couple times. i needed him to give me a ride home from a class trip (long story short, my mom and all of my friends were at work and my original ride said she couldn’t do it) and when we were in the car i felt weird, but i pushed myself to keep the conversation going and blame any awkwardness on just being tired from getting off a long flight. i apologized if he had to go out of his way but he told me i could always call him if i needed him and he’d always be there, and i didn’t have to be afraid or think of him as a last resort. then when he left he said i love you, maybe just to reassure me he still cared but it caught me off guard.

then two days ago i went to his job to pick up something that i was letting him borrow before we broke up. i felt weird so i came in hurried up got my stuff and left without really saying anything. i could tell that our interaction kind of upset him because it was more awkward than the last time. after i left i sent him a message that in short said sorry if i came off rude but we went from not talking for months to seeing each other twice in the past week, and i don’t know how to be his friend yet (plus some other stuff). he responded to me about how we could meet and talk whenever i want. then we messaged a little about how both of us were dealing with everything.

he told me he isn’t any happier but he’s been busier so he doesn’t have time to think about the negative stuff, and that he hates himself and can’t look at himself in the mirror half the time.

i’ve always felt like i had to take care of him, because for three years i was and it’s hard to realize it’s not my place anymore and even if we were together i can support him but he needs to take care of himself. but i still want to take care of him, i still want to take him lunch to work to make sure he eats and things like that. i feel like i can’t move on if i’m always thinking about him. and i know i want to date again, maybe not right now even though i feel lonely, but i get worried about how me dating again would affect him. i’ve had dreams where i went to him to tell him that i met a guy or that i want to start dating again, because i didn’t feel right to do it without letting him know (which lets me know i’m probably not ready to date again, not that i’m actively looking)

i don’t know how to let him go. i know i’ll always care about and love him, but i know i didn’t see myself marrying or having kids with him. but i still can’t stop thinking about him, and wondering if he’s thinking about me, and if he regrets breaking up, and if he’s talking to other girls and i keep having flashbacks of our relationship. i’m trying to keep the mindset what’s meant to be will be and that the right man will come into my life eventually, and things will work out for both of us and things will get better for him, but it’s hard to be hopeful about what will happen when i feel like i failed right now.

he was my first relationship. he’s had girlfriends before me, but even his mom said that i was his first serious relationship and he’s never talked about kids or marriage seriously when it came to anyone else. i’m 21 he’s 24.