What do you think? Just curious. *very long*

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. Here’s a little back story I guess to understand better. Basically I got hospitalized the first time when I was 13 so they put me in therapy after I left the hospital.. get hospitalized a couple more times by the time I’m 16. At 16 things took a turn meaning I wasn’t eating, I was hurting myself, hitting myself, banging my head on stuff, breaking things. At that time I was in independent studies and I experienced an episode at school where I totally blanked and texted my ex some concerning things and basically I dissociated and I don’t remember anything from that day mostly. But I ended up getting hospitalized.

Okay fast forward to 2019. I’m 19 I just got out of the hospital in February. And a week ago I totally snapped.

I had been telling my grandma all day how sad I am and I didn’t know what to do (ugh there’s so much to get into but basically feeling hopeless) and now it’s around dinner time and I’m out getting dinner with her and we are in the car coming back and she kind of snaps at me starts raising her voice because I brought up being sad again. And when we parked the car I was crying and I felt something rise in my body like my head was going to explode off. I told my grandma that I’m felt like I was about to explode and she told me to walk around the block. I felt like I couldn’t walk. All I wanted to do was lay or sit on the ground and just cry and scream. So that’s exactly what I did. I got out of the car and made my way to the curb of the street and sat down and started breaking down even more. I started screaming, pulling my hair, just crying hysterically. My grandma gathers the food and goes inside. At this point I’m like okay I need to walk so I get up and I start walking down my street and at this point my chest felt so heavy and tight so I knew I was having an anxiety attack. I called my friend that lives a couple hours away. He was at a concert so I felt so bad for calling but I honestly didn’t know what to do. And for a week before the event took place I was telling him how sad I am and stuff (I’m sad for a lot of reasons and if you’re reading this and wondering, feel free to message me. Sorry this is so long) basically telling him that I feel so comfortable with the thought of suicide after my grandma dies. And that comes along with the feeling of inevitable doom I feel deep in my gut. Anyways back to the little story. He answers the phone and (HERES WHERE THE STRANGE THINGS START HAPPENING) I can’t speak. Like I can speak but I’m just stuttering. I try to say “I’m sorry for calling you, I know you’re at a concert” but all I could get out of my mouth was “I’m...I’m...I’m... sorry... sorry... sorry... I’m ... sorry.... I’m .. I’m... sorry” like that. And i just couldn’t talk at all without stuttering on everything I was saying. I was on the phone with him for about 10 mins. While I’m on the phone I’m walking all around my neighborhood... my legs start to kind of stumble. Kind of like I’m drunk. (I’m completely sober keep in mind!) and so basically I’m like “sorry for calling I’ll go, love you goodbye” and once I was able to actually say all of that he had this girl that lives on my street message me. We use to be pretty close when I was 16/17. She’s on the phone with me for 15 mins. And it’s the same thing. I’m stuttering so bad and I’m talking pretty fast and loudly. I meet her at her house and she’s walking with me her first reaction to seeing me “are you drunk?” That’s what she asked. I had to reassure her I was not drunk or high on anything. We walked like 1/4th of the block and I was actually able to speak to her stuttering A LITTLE bit and repeating a couple words. After that I’m not too sure what happened and it’s like I flipped again because this time IT FELT LIKE I HAD NO CONTROL OVER MY BODY MOVEMENTS!! I was still stuttering.. but this time now I was also REPEATING WORDS!!! Example I would repeat “I’m okay” over and over and over again. And like just say “shhh” and “fuck” and “stop it” and saying “I don’t know”. The weird thing is, I looked at the person and I knew I was with them and I knew they were scared, and I knew they wanted to calm me down, and I could hear everything they were saying. But everything I was saying didn’t reply to what she was saying if that makes sense. And so like I’m aware of my surroundings, and no matter how hard I try to form a regular sentence I just can’t. And I just like kind of fall to the ground and that point she called the police. My grandma came outside. She picked me up and tried to snap me out of it. I was looking at her BUT IT FELT LIKE I WASNT THERE! Like I was there but I wasnt in my body anymore.

Oh yeah and the stuttering was mild for two days after.

Has this happened to anyone? What does this mean? Did I just have a mental breakdown? I’m just curious. I should be going back to therapy on the 29th but was curious what anyone else thought.