Our struggles are both tiny and infinite at the same time.

So, so many things go into TTC. You may not even realize how much and how deeply it's affecting you right away, until one day, after one too many negative tests, you break. It happens to us all, and you're not alone. Be aware of this with others as well; their struggle may be more or less intense than yours, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Even if the primary issue isn't TTC, everyone is going through something.

Random:

1) I am taking Geritol "for fertility" at the insistence of my mom (🙄). Cycle #2 update: nope. Don't buy into that one right away & expect the fertility miracles you read online...BUT my nails and hair sure do look amazing & are growing like crazy. Haha. 💅🏼💇🏼‍♀️

2) I have horrible health anxiety (my sister turned 31 on 5/25, and is dying of stage 4 breast cancer. I've been failing horribly at going to the doctor as she's gotten worse; I'm late for my annual physical by 8 months). Please spare me the lectures; I have legit panic attacks and need 3mg prn clonazepam (that's a lot, if you don't know psych meds) just to get in the exam room; my sister has 6 months left and my health anxiety is getting worse and worse. I understand I need to see a doctor the moment I conceive and I will not be negligent of my health or the potential baby's health during any pregnancy I might develop. If I could bypass fertility treatments and just f*ing get pregnant, that would be really helpful to me. I also want to at least be pregnant before she dies so she can see an ultrasound pic or *something.* Chemo and an ooectomy left her infertile before she was terminal, so knowing she was going to be an aunt might bring her some peace and happiness. 6 months more with her is just not enough.

3) I'm 37. My husband is 38. We're not getting any younger. ⏰ At what point do we stop trying to conceive and start trying adopt? I do want kids, but I also wanted my doctorate. I never thought I'd get married or anything, but then right before I graduated, this wonderful man came into my life and we got married and do want kids. I never thought about fertility much before as I assumed I would always be alone (not trying to sound dramatic, but I did think I was just going to be on my own indefinitely, and could maybe adopt in my mid/late 40s when I have the most $ and stability but still the energy to raise kids). How do people do this? Procreation has existed for...forever, and it's "supposed to be" this natural process that just happens. As members of this community, we all know that's not how it actually works, and nature is frustrating AF, despite its best efforts to keep life cycling forward.

Sorry I'm all over the place. I know I need to see a doctor, I just also needed to vent to people who might understand.

Sometimes, people can be pretty nasty with their replies. Please be understanding and try to limit that here; I'm in a bad place right now.

My sis and me at my wedding 6/30/18. I have to say, her wig is totally amazing. They can do some crazy stuff with these things now.

My (unexpected!) hubby & me, saying "I do."

My sis handling round 36736482 of chemo like a champ.

My sis walking in 2019 NY Fashion Week to bring awareness to breast cancer in young women.

My sis & her hubby, winning alllll the awards for the movie my sister wrote about her life as a woman diagnosed with breast cancer at 23 (Ginger the Movie, all over the film fest circuit right now, & on IMDB).

My sis making the most of things & using her chemo baldness to create a badass Eleven costume last Halloween.

Finally...this is all our struggle, and it's so true. Behind every smiling baby is a woman and/or couple's secret joys, sorrows, losses, anxieties, hopefulness/hopelessness, and infinite possible obstacles. Be kind.