F&@k Infertility

My story, I have PCOS. I’ve had it as long as I can remember. I was a dancer, very active but always on the heavier side. I started getting weird facial hair when I was 15 or so and started my period when I was only 10. They have always been very sporadic and really heavy.

Fast forward to the week of my wedding. I scheduled an appt with my OB/GYN and say I want to get pregnant as quickly as possible after the wedding and he gave me the official news. At this point I am probably 250-275 lbs. He puts me on metformin, a couple cycles of clomid and we start that journey.

Naturally, the metformin gave me horrible issues with the bathroom and the clomid turned me into a nightmare. I figured I’m only 24, we have time, we will try on our own without meds.

8 years later and not even an oops. I’ve now started to get really bad depression and I’m now up to 340 lbs. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and my doctor has me on metformin and Januvia (both help PCOS insulin resistance and ovulation).

My husband has been tested and his count is fine but he has low motility. I started seeing a new OB in the last year and I’ve done probably 8 cycles with letrozole.

I’m writing this on my back with my legs propped in the air after my husband has just made a “deposit to the sperm bank”.

Infertility sex isn’t sexy. It isn’t the fun exciting sex that everyone else thinks you’re having. It’s the pee on a stick, take a hormone pill, “I don’t care that we are both exhausted and emotionally drained, this could be the month!” kind of sex.

It’s when your husband and you have an hour long conversation about how the both of you are so tired that the actual thought of trying to make a baby tonight is almost unbearable. Things get hard. You fight over absolutely ridiculous misunderstandings. Work sucks. Life sucks. Everything about this infertility crap sucks.

There’s no spontaneity to it. Every time you pee on a stick and get a damn smiley face and you tell them “hey I got a positive,” his first thought is “she doesn’t actually want me. She just needs me for something right now.” For an entire hour tonight, with me bawling my eyes out, we had the exact thought that there is so many couples going through the exact same thing.

And it’s bullshit, why is it so much easier for other people?

Why do I get mad when other people complain about trying for 6 months or a year and aren’t pregnant yet?

Why do some people get pregnant their first month trying?

If I lose the weight, will it happen?

If I had a better job, I could afford IUI, IVF, adoption.

If I change this, if I change that.

I’m sick of people fucking saying “It will happen when it happens.”

No. It doesn’t work like that for women who have to take pills to force their body to release a damn egg. It doesn’t work like that for women who have to pee on sticks every day. It doesn’t work like that for women who have to go get bloodwork to see if there’s enough hormone to freaking guess if they released the damn egg.

And then the over thinking....When you get a sharp pain in your boobs, stomach, vagina, or wherever the hell else and immediately start googling DPO pregnancy symptoms and overthinking every single tiny little thing. And the waiting to see that one single pink fucking line on the pregnancy test. Over and over and over and over.

Can you imagine how many pregnancy tests I have taken in NINE YEARS???

Right before my husband and I finished our argument tonight, right before we sucked it up and got down to business (because for some reason, this could be THE month), we had the “Do we want to keep trying?” talk.

I don’t know that I have the heart to say yes anymore. I’m tired of being disappointed and so fucking broken every single month.