Confused

I’m going through a lot right now and have lost all of my female friends it seems like. I feel like I’m at a loss of who to talk to now. I have some friends female friends but none that I’m even remotely close to. I have borderline personality disorder and I think because of this I tend to push people away. If they ever really cared about me to begin with. Some of the people I have loved and cared for the most have totally betrayed me and I feel like like all of our mutual friends chose this persons side..... I didn’t do anything bad to this person but I did make a statement while I was way too drunk saying I wish that she would die.m, which I know isn’t right, and I didn’t really mean it. But I’m feeling like this person can totally screw a good friend over with her actions and no one judges her but I say one messed up thought while intoxicated and now everyone hates me. To the point where I have apologized to the people I’ve said it to (twice) and no one even bothers to respond to my apology text messages.....even when I said it’s really me who I wished would die. Just feeling like I have no friends who actually care about me at all. If I did die I don’t think I would even want these people to come to my funeral.....just feeling so alone.