Trigger warning.

So I’m an adult now, paying my own bills and trying to move forward. These past few years I’ve been struggling internally but I can’t figure out why. I’ve realized that my entire childhood I was in survival mode. I was blocking so much out just so I could function. I thought that when I left that all behind and never looked back that I would be in peace. I created a happy safe home for myself. What I didn’t realize is that when the time came when I felt safe, my brain would unload all of the trauma I have repressed and even though it’s been years..even though abuse is no longer happening, I am a total fucking train wreck of myself trying to figure out where all the pieces go. I am so confused as to why I can’t just be at peace. I am trying to learn how to...not necessarily forgive but accept it? I never had any inkling that one day I’d be in my 20s laying in bed at night having flash backs and panic attacks when I never had them before. I had no idea that when I got away it would all still be there waiting for me like my brain stored a pocket of trauma and patiently waited until I felt safe to unload a shit storm like “okay now deal with it .” A good thing about this is that It’s somehow educational. When I was a kid my outer world was chaos, so I repressed and made my mind a place of peace. As an adult, my outer world is peaceful and my mind is chaos. It says a lot about my own psychology.

The end. Its not supposed to be a sad post it’s just supposed to be straight forward and help me get it off my chest. I am not pathetic and broken, I am just human. I have to heal my mind now and I have a feeling that I will.