Things I’m realizing as an adult about growing up in an abusive home

Trigger warning.

So I’m an adult now, paying my own bills and trying to move forward. These past few years I’ve been struggling internally but I can’t figure out why. I’ve realized that my entire childhood I was in survival mode. I was blocking so much out just so I could function. I thought that when I left that all behind and never looked back that I would be in peace. I created a happy safe home for myself. What I didn’t realize is that when the time came when I felt safe, my brain would unload all of the trauma I have repressed and even though it’s been years..even though abuse is no longer happening, I am a total fucking train wreck of myself trying to figure out where all the pieces go. I am so confused as to why I can’t just be at peace. I am trying to learn how to...not necessarily forgive but accept it? I never had any inkling that one day I’d be in my 20s laying in bed at night having flash backs and panic attacks when I never had them before. I had no idea that when I got away it would all still be there waiting for me like my brain stored a pocket of trauma and patiently waited until I felt safe to unload a shit storm like “okay now deal with it .” A good thing about this is that It’s somehow educational. When I was a kid my outer world was chaos, so I repressed and made my mind a place of peace. As an adult, my outer world is peaceful and my mind is chaos. It says a lot about my own psychology.

The end. Its not supposed to be a sad post it’s just supposed to be straight forward and help me get it off my chest. I am not pathetic and broken, I am just human. I have to heal my mind now and I have a feeling that I will.