4 years ago, I graduated high school with a 3.99 GPA, I was making decent money, I had my first year of my first choice college paid off, I was getting a refund back for almost $2000, and I was going 4 years with my boyfriend. Life was almost perfect for me...

The end of last year, I was battling depression. I was failing out of college (I was supposed to graduate with my bachelors in May), I wasn’t eating or sleeping, I had no job, and I didn’t feel like myself. Forward to 2 months ago, my depression got worse and I started having panic attacks, I had a hard time showering, I dropped out of college, I was in debt, and I started feeling suicidal. After seeing a therapist for almost a month, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend and my mom. I thought things couldn’t get any worse right?

Fast forward to a month ago, I got into a physical fight with my dad...he was saying things about me and suddenly brought my boyfriend into the conversation and starting saying stuff about him too. (We were previously arguing about him letting my dogs run free in the neighborhood so my relationship had nothing to do it with it). He’s always bashing my boyfriend about anything and everything even though he’s been the one providing food and clothes for me, he’s the one who encouraged me to seek help, he’s the one who’s talked me out of killing myself when I was away at college, he’s been there for me always.

I got upset and walked into the kitchen and all I said was, “Say whatever you want about me but do not bring up my boyfriend because he has nothing to do with it”. That’s it. No yelling, I didn’t get in his face, I didn’t curse at him or anything else. He stood up, he got in my face, started screaming at me, he bucked up to me, and I started walking backwards. All I kept telling him was to stop. My mother and my two younger siblings were in the living room and my older brother was in the room next to the kitchen with the door open.

I don’t remember what happened next...all I remember was me telling him to stop and next thing I knew he had his hands around my neck, he was shoving my backwards into the hallway wall, and I remember my throat closing in. I swung at him so he could let go and I hit him in the corner of his eye, he finally stopped and I tried catching my breathe and when I looked up, he was bleeding. My brother was holding him back and my mom was in the middle.

I thought they’d be upset at him, but they both started yelling at me and telling me it was my fault. He told me over and over again that I should’ve walked away and none of it would have happened and my mom said I should be ashamed of myself for putting my hands on my father...I started crying, not because of the assault but because they all thought it was my fault. Not ONCE did anyone question him.

What made it even worse was that I was battling depression and he knew and still charged at me! I looked at all of them and told them that I wanted to kill myself, that I was lost, I woke up EVERY morning wishing I hadn’t, and they all stayed quiet. My older brother said he didn’t know and I told him that my parents knew and they still told me shit about how I’m nothing, how I’ll never own up to anything in life, what a lousy wife I’d be..

I left the house after we “talked”. I left for a few days. When I came back I didn’t talk to no one for a bit. Then my dad finally came up to me and gave me a half-ass apology and you know what made it worse? We talked for about 10 minutes and as I was starting to pour out my heart, the doorbell rang and he said he’d be back...he never came back. Instead he went to drink with his friends in the backyard and I waited and waited until I realized he wasn’t coming back. He never came up to me again to talk..no one ever asked me if I was okay. No one ever asked about my depression, no one reached out. things will never be the same. My depression was getting better and now it’s slowly coming back.

My family is becoming more toxic and it’s best for me to leave. I’m going to look for 2 or 3 jobs to work so I can move out because I can’t do this anymore. My boyfriend is the only one who’s there for me but my family was my everything and without them, it hurts...I just wanna be happy but I gotta realize that this is my reality...

Jobless, in debt, toxic family, no education degree, and a whole lot of hatred towards myself...I’m lost and I don’t know what to do...I feel alone and I’m terrified...