How Do I Handle This?

Back story, and I’m sorry it’s a little long:

From the moment my husband and I announced our engagement in 2016, his sister and her husband offered to do our catering. We came up with a plan together and everything went fine. We planned the menu and got everything set. 3 days before our wedding in 2017, the husband texted DH and completely out of nowhere said “go to hell, go fuck yourselves, good luck finding a caterer 3 days before your wedding.” (DH and my BFF pulled together a solution quickly). We’ve never gotten an explanation or apology, and everything was fine up until that point. No problems, no arguments, no issues.

Last year in September, we attended the birthday party of DH’s niece. We talked to SIL and her husband for maybe 15 minutes. Somehow, during the convo, DH dropped the name we’d like to use one day for a girl. Fast forward a month and SIL is pregnant. Fast forward to December and SIL is angry because I won’t attend Christmas at her house (I work security and had to work 8-4 on Christmas Day. She lives just over an hour away and I had to be in work the next day at 7am, so it didn’t make sense to use the gas to go there and back to just spend an hour there). MIL tells us that the gender reveal was planned for Xmas Day and SIL feels we ruined it. So SIL pushes reveal to mid-December and she’s having a girl. Her husband tells us they’re naming her the name my husband accidentally dropped. “We heard someone at Em’s party say they want to use the name and we decided we like it too. If they wanted to use it, they should’ve gotten pregnant first.” Direct jab at us. We don’t own any names, we get it, but this was petty, to say the least.

DH and I didn’t attend the baby shower a few weeks ago, as we’ve hit some financial issues and both have second jobs and couldn’t get the day off. We couldn’t afford to send anything either.

SIL had the baby last week. We haven’t been to visit because we haven’t time. MIL made us aware that SIL stated “if they visit, they’d better hold the baby. If they don’t hold her, I don’t want them around.” She knows I’m uncomfortable holding newborns.

We’re also both still sour over the wedding, and fed up with their immaturity over naming their new baby. We feel like we know how we stand in the family. We don’t get invited to anything, and then they use the kids to try and guilt us if we don’t show up. Other people have tried to force us to reconcile. My FIL told US to apologise to them for the wedding and move on.

We don’t want the kids to suffer in this and not know us, and are willing to deal with SIL and her husband. Every time we turn around though, one of them is making petty, immature comments about DH and I.

I won’t stand between DH and his sister, but I don’t know what to do anymore.