After 5 miscarriages I just feel like my womb is a human death trap. I feel so alone even when people are there for me. Some days I’m fine but other days it’s like this trap door opens and I fall into this deep depression and can’t even stand to look at a baby. My heart hurts so much. Literally everyone around me is pregnant and some have had 2 kids in the time span of the 2 1/2 years I’ve miscarried. Nothing seems fair. I just want one healthy baby. I often wonder why I even try to continue with tests to see why it’s happening or new fertility drugs or doctors appointments. Why keep trying? My body is a failure. I am failing my parents, my friends, and most importantly my husband. People know me as the girl who just keeps miscarrying. People talk. But I end up hearing about it. Why does she keep trying? Obviously she can’t carry to term. Why bother? When’s her husband going to leave her?

I’ve literally had people ASK ME if my husband is going to leave me since I keep miscarrying! As if I don’t already feel like a failure as a wife enough.

My husband is always so sweet and good to me. He’s never made me feel like it’s my fault, the opposite actually and I’m blessed for that. But I fear one day he will have enough of the doctors appointments and the disappointments and the “there’s no heart beat” conversations.

My parents so obviously want grandkids and have “adopted” one of my friends kids and by adopted I mean babysit constantly and buys them stuff and posts about them all the time. It’s like their replacement grandchild their broken daughter will never give them.

Friends accidentally make me feel like they are rubbing it in they can have kids and I shouldn’t feel that way. I hate being SO jealous and BITTER. I hate myself for it. One girl was like my husband thinks it’s so sexy my body can create and grow life inside it. And my immediate response was “my body can’t” like why am I like this. I’m just so hurt.