Toxic relationship advice

Hi I’m 17 years old.. and I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year. I was mentally and physically abused by my father and have a few mental disorders. But it was only caused from the abuse and while growing up I was teased for size and for my race (I go to a primarily white school and everytime I liked a guy i was never liked back because I was black)... I grew up with self esteem issues, and started to get very bad anxiety/depression. I met my boyfriend through my bff’s boyfriend (now ex).. for me it was like I found my Prince Charming. We were in love.. and I ended up taking birth control once we became sexually active. All of our problems occurred after the birth control and my father also found out that I was sexually active and threatened to beat me until he went to jail and realllyyy mentally fucked me up, and no no matter what anyone said I couldn’t take my dad out of my life because honestly idk.. I wanted some connection to my father. Anyways our relationship became toxic.. I became very depressed (seasonal depression), I would say mean things and push him away, we would argue over stupid stuff, and not to mention he lives like 40ish minutes away from me so distance was a bit difficult. We both ended up hurting each other, and eventually broke up. We are both trying to grow rn,, but I honestly feel like I’m losing him and it hurts so freaking bad. I hate myself for living in this fairy tale and telling myself it would get better and we would be together forever. I ended up stop taking birth control which I swear made me feel like myself again.. and cut off other toxic connections including my father.. also I got a therapist.. I got so much better with loving myself which I’m so freaking proud. And yes we hope to get back together in the future.. but i just want us to get better. I hate having to say “we will see” type of stuff and I get blamed for changing him into a bad person. I hate this because I’m so confused too.. like one minute we are okay then the next something comes along. We can’t even see each other a lot and he was supposed to come and see me but he couldn’t because he was overwhelmed with sadness and couldn’t physically do it. Be brutally honest please😔😔.. what do I do.