*super long post!!*

We’ve waited for what feels like forever for our girl to come out. My husband and I wanted to expand and tried and tried and tried for months. Found out we were pregnant mid July last year. He cried so hard, his first biological baby (I have 2 girls from a previous relationship and he took them in and loves them so much as his own)

Sadly, we lost our baby at 5 weeks due to ectopic and it had ruptured my tube. I bled internally for 2 days (being in denial telling myself the pain was just growing pains, maybe twins?!). It got so bad that my husband said no more and pretty much carried me to the car and into the hospital where we were told that not only did we lose our baby, I was dying. My blood pressure was in the tank, my respiration’s and heart rate were sky high. I was starting to go into shock. I was in the bathroom when the doctor informed my husband first the results of the scans (which if you’ve never experienced an abdomen full of blood being scanned, is incredibly painful) and when I came out, my husband was standing by the bed crying and when I asked him what was wrong, he said “it’s ok, baby. I love you. We’re gonna be ok. The doctor is going to come back and talk to you.” He couldn’t bring himself to tell me. He called my mother, who is a trauma nurse at our local hospital, who got up (this was at 2 in the morning) and left to meet us at the hospital (mind you we were 3 hours away, staying at my brothers) she old him to keep her updated on what was going on, meds, blood, anything that changed. When the doctor came back and told me what he told my husband, I begged for him to save our baby. But, there was nothing they could do. He told me “you’re dying. You need this surgery right now” at first I was upset. How could he say it so bluntly and flat? But, being a cna and working in a hospital with doctors, I knew it was serious then and I agreed. After that I shut down. I stopped crying. I stopped talking. I just laid there. Shortly after I started going in and out of consciousness. I vaguely remember my husband talking to the ob surgeon about the procedure. What it meant for us growing our family. I remember a mirror on the ceiling and what I saw burned into my memories. I saw myself on a stretcher, hospital gown. White as paper. Dark circles under my eyes. I looked like I was dying. After that, I remember waking up crying for my husband. I didn’t feel anything, no pain. The recovery nurse said I was probably still “in mental shock”. As I was sitting on the bed waiting to go home, I noticed a white bear on the Cart in my recovery bay and asked why it was there. My mother didn’t know and neither did my husband. So I tried to ignore it. But, when my nurse came back she picked it up and walked over to me and held it out. She said “I know it won’t fix anything, it broke my heart to see you in so my pain and I am so sorry for your loss. When I saw this on my break in the gift shop, I had to get it. it just made me think of you and I was praying for you in the operating room.” I broke down and started bawling my eyes as I folded myself around that bear. At that time, my mother was furious the nurse had done this as was my husband. They felt she had gone over some boundaries. But I was so thankful for her display of kindness and love.

Shortly after the ob surgeon came in to talk to me about the procedure. She told us she was able to save my tube, instead of removing it like she normally would. We thought “oh that’s good news” but she quickly added that not only am I at higher risk for another ectopic pregnancy now that I’ve had one, the scar tissue on my tube from this puts us at extreme risk. It broke our hearts because we were basically told, you can try for more kids, but it’s at your own risk. On our long trip back home, I watched my husband break down. I remember he said “I can’t do this, Lyss. I can’t do this again. We lost our baby. I almost lost you! I can’t lose you!”

This all took place 2 weeks before our wedding and I seriously debated on postponing the wedding. But we carried on. With the love and support of my husband, and that teddy bear (which my husband learned quickly was an important piece to my recovery and made sure I had it at all times) I made sure my husband got his night out with his friends to just be out of the house, to unwind, and they took him to the fair to watch the truck pulls. We took care of each other and made sure we both were recovering. And we went through with the wedding. I danced as best as I could with my husband and our guests. The following week my husband asked if we wanted to think about trying again or if we should just put it away as no longer an option. We were both terrified but we decided to try again in the future.

Well, it happened sooner than expected. In October we found out we were expecting again! From the day we found out I was in and out of the hospital having blood work done to monitor my levels, scans to check that the sac was where it needed to be, all of the works. She was due June 14th, but we had a a few complications. Bleeding, placenta previa, low blood pressure, premature labor twice (once at 22 weeks and again at 32) We were terrified to lose our baby girl. So when we made it to 36 weeks safely, my doctor asked about induction, to which we agreed. So we scheduled for 39 weeks exactly (if she didn’t come on her own before then.) which she didn’t. So on June 7th, we went into the hospital with all of our bags, our two other girls went to their Grammy and grampys house, and we were so excited. They started the process (even though I was already contracting) they had a horrible time getting an iv because I had been sick and I was very dehydrated. My midwife was able to get a huge one in in case we needed to go to the or (my hip was not in a “proper” position and they thought she was going to be a very big baby) after hours and hours of laboring, I had not changed in dilation. So they sent us home. We were so upset, anxious to meet our baby girl. The following Monday we went into the office for a follow up to see if there had been any changes in dilation (I had lost my plug the day before, first time ever!) and I had! I went up to 3cm and 70%! So my midwife decided to do a sweep, not so fun but quick. After which she looked at my husband and said “now go home and have sex.” My poor husband looked terrified. We barely had any sex during this pregnancy. He was too afraid to hurt me or the baby and at one point we weren’t allowed to die to the previa (which had fixed itself at about 31 weeks so that was a positive) but, with some encouragement from my ob, we went home and did he deed. About an hour later I started having regular contractions 4 minutes apart. Tolerable though. Steadily they got more frequent and very uncomfortable. We were at my parents house when I finally agreed it was time to go to the hospital. My mother went with us and we arrived a little after 9pm and they monitored me for a few hours and when they checked me at midnight I was 4cm. They moved me into a delivery room. I went to the bathroom and they started an iv. The pain was unbearable in my hip. Each contraction was like an electric shock in my hip and leg. I told them I wanted an epidural, I needed to be numb, it hurt so bad. Anesthesia showed up maybe 20 minutes later but I told them it was too late, I needed to push. The nurse checked me and I was 9cm and my midwife was on her way, not here yet. So the nurse said “little pushes, just enough to take the edge off” and they monitored and kept checking. My water broke and I went to 10 just as my midwife got in the room. My poor husband was so scared. He was upset seeing me in so much pain and he doesn’t do good with blood or other fluids, but he held my hand and my leg and he watched the whole birth. After 3 pushes, she was born at 2:43 am. And I’ll never forget hearing him crying and what he said “baby she’s here! She’s here! Omg she’s so tiny and so beautiful! You are so strong! You did amazing, baby! Omg she’s beautiful! I’m so proud of you!” I don’t remember seeing much, I was so exhausted I couldn’t open my eyes. I felt my daughter be placed onto my chest, I heard her cry, felt my husband kiss my head. I started with the shakes and they tried to take my daughter but her cord was so short my husband had to cut it right there and then. The placenta came out and it was so small. My midwife sent it off to have tests done to find out if there was anything to be concerned about. After a while of recovering from the shakes and getting fluids, I was able to focus and look around. I saw my husband holding our daughter and the look on his face made my heart explode. He looked at me and started crying. Her big sisters love her and just want to be all over her all the time. I’m lucky if I can get her out of my husbands arms long enough to nurse her. She is so loved and we are overjoyed to have our beautiful rainbow girl here with us finally Welcome home, MacKenna

6/11/2019 7lbs 2oz