My boyfriend is not very vocal about his emotions. He used to be very open but now, not even a little bit. I think also it doesn’t help that he’s 13 years older than me.

Throughout the last five months of ttc he’s barely said anything about it. I was starting to think he didn’t want this anymore. That maybe he changed his mind about wanting children.

The other day he caught me looking at newborn clothes on Etsy. Ive been obsessively looking at clothes and cribs and toys for months. I quickly closed my laptop because I was embarrassed. He had given me so little feedback that I didn’t know if I was just being silly looking at clothes or not. But he said “I know why you’re looking at it and its totally fine.”

Anyway, last night we got into a heated argument over our cat. He lost his patience and was just being a dickhead and I said to him “You want to have a child and you can’t even stand a cat?”

And he looked so calm and confused and smug and he just says “You think I give a fuck about a cat or a kid?”

It hit me like a train in my chest. I just feel like a stupid little girl now trying to play house. Like when a child says they can’t wait to grow up and be a mommy. He said he was sorry but he didn’t say what for and idk if he even knows how badly that hurt me.

We just had sex to try again two days ago and now I’m just scared to be pregnant. For the last few months it’s all I’ve thought about and now I’m just so worried that this isn’t what he wants.

I don’t want to look at newborn clothes, anymore.