I lost twins at 20 weeks in 2008. Had a healthy girl in 2010. My son was stillborn (died during labor due to placental abruption) in 2015. After, we had 5 miscarriages and secondary infertility. Our second rainbow girl was born on her brother’s 2nd birthday in 2017.

It’s been a hard year for us. Our marriage is crumbling since our son’s death and my confinement to a wheelchair not long after. In the fall, I gave up a job I desperately loved and can never get back to take a chance on the job of a lifetime. I was laid off in January, heartbroken. I’m in the final bit of my PhD in astrophysics and only got a conditional pass on the last bit of my qualifier, and things aren’t looking good for me getting past my Master’s. After nearly 15 years, it might be over. My husband hates his job, and my ex can no longer pay child support, as he was diagnosed with severe MS. Financially and emotionally, we’re floundering.

Then we got the first positive test. Then we got 7 more. So hopeful. Morning sickness and all the first stuff kicked in. It would be perfect timing with my dissertation. Maybe we could put our marriage back together. My SIL’s easy one-after-another pregnancies didn’t hurt so bad anymore.

Today my tests went stark negative. Tonight, horrible cramping in my lower back, waves of nausea and dizziness, and terrible cramps close to my pubic bone. Waiting for the bleeding to begin. Having this miscarriage now also means time off work, which will hurt my PhD chances as well. I am devastated.