Divorce sucks

I just need to vent...I don’t have many friends in my “real life”.

My husband and I have had so many issues...infidelity, financial issues, parenting disagreements (we both have kids from prior relationships, none together). I begged him to go to counseling with me and he refused. Every time we’d fight, he would remind me that if I left, he would commit suicide. Two weeks ago, we had a huge fight. He took the gun in our bedroom and told me he was going to kill himself. Of course I went in there, and pleaded with him to not hurt himself, please give me the gun etc. finally he hands it over. And he tells me he hates me and how I’m so horrible etc. then he leaves the house, like he wasn’t just about to shoot himself. I was distraught and called my sister for help. She begged me to come there. I packed my bags and went to my sisters for the weekend. I told him I wasn’t coming home until he decided to go to counseling, or he moved out. My husband of 5 years, the man I’ve been with for 9 years now...packed his stuff and moved out. Took half the furniture from my home. All my photos etc. I only knew because I came home to get some more clothes. He never said a word about it.

After the fact, he’s messaged me saying he moved out “for me”. To make me happy. And how he wants to be together and he loves me etc and he doesn’t know why I can’t just fix my problems etc. It hurts me so bad that he’s gone. I just want to go there to help him. But I know I can’t. I’m scared and hurt and angry. And all I can think about is hoping HE is okay. I feel so damaged at this point. I know he’s toxic for me and our relationship needed to end. It’s just so hard to face this.