I wish we could just snap and be skinny. I wish our jeans fit instantly after birth. Honestly, I wish I was skinny before birth. But this body wasn’t supposed to be able to have babies. I have three. Beautiful, healthy, happy children.

But I feel like I was back in my jeans so much faster than this time. It was a rough surgery. It was a rough csection. I’m tired. There has been a lot of takeout because I’m tired. I feel bigger now than when I was pregnant even though I know that’s not true.

So here I sit. On the verge of tears. Trying to make myself go to dinner with family from out of town. They are meeting our baby for the first time. Wearing maternity pants. My hair isn’t washed. I don’t feel like going. My face is dry and ugly. I’d hoped the splotchy red face would leave with birth but it didn’t.

I’m still bleeding. I feel like it’s never gonna end. Im like a week out from my first period on the new birth control and I’m still bleeding from

birth. Im so sick of wearing a stupid pad. I’m still swollen at times. I’ve never felt so unattractive. Hiding behind solid black in 90 degrees. Tried on multiple shirts. Everything looks terrible. Big fat hanging belly. Knowing it was pointless to put my regular pants on. They don’t fit. I’m too broke to go buy new clothes. And too fat for any of the stores anyways.

I hate that I still feel like I look pregnant. I’m just now at the point where I can even move around after surgery. I had complications and a staph infection with a newborn. A newborn that has had complications too.

I wish I felt comfortable. I feel like people will look at me and be like why is she at a restaurant. She needs to be on a treadmill. I have a colicky baby with an under developed digestive system. Along with acid reflux. I’m trying. I’m tired. Plus two other kids.

I don’t feel like I’m ever gonna be me again.

Dear me, we’ve got to pull it together because they just called ready to meet for supper. Just go and eat and try to keep your stupid hormones under control.