TW: Child sexual assault

I posted about this recently in another group, but that was before I knew this group existed.

I’m going to try not to make this extremely long, but it probably will be.

I am the mother to an 11 year old boy, a 9 year old boy, and a 4 year old (her birthday is tomorrow) girl. They all have different fathers.

A little background. When I was 18, I moved 1500 miles away from my entire family to Texas. I moved with my 11 year old’s father. It didn’t work out between us. I went on to have my middle son. His dad was abusive and never in the picture. Haven’t seen him since my son was a month old. Fast forward to 2014 when I started dating my daughter’s father. At first things were good. But when I got pregnant a switch flipped and he became angry, had a temper, and began emotionally abusing my middle son, who was 5 at the time. The very first time he was physically abusive (he pushed him), I got on a plane with my 5 year old and 3 month old daughter and moved back to Illinois where my family is. Her father remained here in Texas.

Fast forward 3 years. I am now married to an amazing man and we decided it was time for us to move back to Texas so I could be close to my 11 year old son. Of course that meant that my daughter would be seeing her father as well. I was hesitant because of the way he treated my son, but I stupidly thought that he wouldn’t hurt my daughter because she was his child also.

She was seeing him once a week for just a few hours. At first it was ok but quickly she began refusing to see or talk to him. She would cry and scream not to go with him. I made an appointment with a counselor for her to try and get to the bottom of what was going on. At this point I had zero evidence of abuse and she adamantly denied it.

Because she was refusing to go, I decided I wasn’t going to force her. But last Tuesday he told her he wanted to pick her up to go buy toys for her birthday. I debated for hours whether to let her go, but she was so excited to get toys and it would only be for a couple hours (dinner at a restaurant and then the store, per his texts), so I let her go.

He picked her up at 5:30. At 7:30 he told me they came back to his apartment but he would drop her off at 8. At 8:20 they still weren’t back so I texted him. He said they’d be there soon. He dropped her off at 8:51. The very first thing I noticed was her jeans zipper was down. This is strange because she doesn’t know how to operate the button and zipper on her jeans and they’re big enough that she can easily pull them down and back up without undoing them. She also goes to the bathroom completely unassisted for pee and poop. She was very excited to show me the new Jasmine and Aladdin dolls he bought her. When we got inside she was grabbing her crotch and was also very whiny. I asked her if she was hurting. She said yes. I asked her if anyone touched her there. She said yes. I asked who. She said “daddy did.” I was instantly nauseous and my heart was beating out of my chest. I asked her what happened as I was taking off her pants to check for any injuries. She said “daddy put Aladdin’s hand in my vagina.” (She’s very eloquent and always uses anatomically correct words.) I told my husband to call the cops. I asked her if this has ever happened before and she said “daddy rubs me like this.” And made a circular motion on her vulva.

I reported all of this to the police. I took her to the Emergency Room and she had a SANE (Forensic nurse) examination, which was absolutely horrific. I found out that no physical evidence was found in this exam, however her urine test came back with mucous present, which was marked as a normal. When I googled it, I could only find that children who masturbated had mucous present in their urine.

I have filed a protective order. I have hired a lawyer to file a civil suit to terminate his rights, even if the police don’t pursue charges.

She has an interview at the child advocacy center here on Thursday, which is where trained professionals will interview her to determine if her story is true.

I know that it’s true. Her story is so specific and she’s given the same story to me, the police, and the SANE nurse.

She is completely different now. Her tantrums are out of control. Today she screamed and cried so hard that she threw up several times. She hit and kicked and bit herself. Her anger and rage are incredible. She will not let me out of her sight. She used to love my husband and now she screams at him not to even look at her.

Her father has no idea any of this is going on. He thinks we are in IL visiting my family. He only lives a half mile away and I’m terrified of him seeing us and realizing we’re actually here. Until the protective order kicks in, technically he could still have the right to see her I think. There are no court orders for visitation but he is on her birth certificate.

I have been interviewed extensively by CPS and investigators. No one has even spoken to him yet. I feel like the police department is almost unconcerned by what happened. I’m terrified he won’t even be questioned, let alone convicted. Which is why I hired an attorney to go after his parental rights.

I am completely and utterly lost, empty, and heartbroken. All day I have to be strong for her but inside I’m crumbling. My older kids have so many questions about what’s going on, but I’m trying to keep this from them. To protect them and her.

She has an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. I know that we are in for years of therapy, if not a lifetime.

I look at her and I feel so guilty. I didn’t protect my child. I didn’t listen to my instincts. I let her go. I can’t sleep. All I do is think about what happened to her. I’m absolutely broken.

The interview at the Child Advocacy Center on Thursday is my only hope that he could be charged. What she says depends on what happens. I’m terrified of hearing the truth - that this actually happened to my baby girl. But I’m equally terrified that she won’t say anything and he’ll go free.

Has anyone else been through this? I guess I’m just looking for some hope. Thank you for reading.