I just need positive words

I honestly cannot stop crying. This guy I’ve been talking to for a few weeks raped me. I blame myself because if I never went over his house he wouldn’t have had the opportunity. I kept trying to push him off but he wouldn’t stop and I eventually gave up. I feel like I deserve it in a way. Before that he asked me twice if i wanted to have sex and i said no both times so we were just kissing and then he got on top of me and slid it in so fast i told him to get off. He eventually did. After he kept apologizing and saying dont be mad at him