2nd miscarriage

So I’m 10.5 months PP. I pretty much got my cycle back right away after child birth. I conceived about 3.5months PP. That resulted in a loss around 7 weeks. I conceived again 9 months PP. This time I made it 10 weeks and I had my first prenatal appt this morning. I had a little bit of brown spotting this morning but I thought it was from being intimate with my husband 2-3 days ago. No pain/cramping. We did the ultrasound and the gestational sac was completely empty. My midwife tried to make me feel better and said maybe I just conceived later. Yah there’s no way unless I had a miscarriage and conceived 4 weeks. That seems almost impossible. My period has been spot on every month. Plus when I got home after having lunch, I had more spots of blood. They want me to come back on Monday for another HCG test but I don’t even want to go. I just don’t want to go in there and see all the cute preggo bellies and ultrasound pics just yet.

We waited until 8 weeks to tell our families just in case this one resulted in another miscarriage and I’m so pissed at myself for doing so. I told my mom about the loss and she cried immediately which made me feel 10x worse. I’m genuinely at a loss and so completely devastated. I was looking forward to the craziness come January. Not to mention it seems like everyone is pregnant on my FB right now. It’s just a bigger slap in my face. Like what is wrong with me. I know I just had a baby. But I’m mourning for the children I’ll never get to know and it’s killing me. I’m a SAHM and dreading my husband going back to work. I don’t want to let my sadness affect the attention I show my daughter.

Thanks for reading all this. I definitely don’t want to become bitter but it also makes me absolutely terrified to ever become pregnant again. I literally don’t think I could take the heartache.