This is going to make me sound terrible!

So I’m posting this anonymously because I know how bad this makes me look but I just have to know if there’s other mothers who feel and/or felt the same way about a second child!

I love my little girl so much. She’s my mini me, my best friend, my sidekick. She also drives me insane but you know, all kids do! I felt so connected to her when I was pregnant with her and was so terribly excited about her arrival and anticipated her little cries and laughs and excited to watch her grow! She was named by 24wks and I’d call her by her name, got the nursery ready etc!

Now I’m about to have number 2, a boy this time! 3 weeks to go! I don’t feel connected to this baby at all. I’m not that excited, I’m more nervous than anything and anxious about starting over. He’s nameless because we can’t decide on anything and I’m scared I just can’t love another human like I love my daughter. I feel like I’m worn thin already between work, my mediocre marriage and my daughter, among general life and I’m scared to see what adding another tiny human will do to my family. The added stress, anxiety and lack of sleep...my daughter’s attitude...hell, my attitude!!

This baby was a surprise! Not a bad surprise by any means but I definitely had to take a bit of time to truly wrap my head around it and get excited! And I’ve been excited but as time for his arrival comes closer and closer my mixed feelings like the day I peed on that stick are starting to return and I don’t know how to deal with it! I feel so guilty that I’m not over the moon excited about meeting him! I feel like such an awful mother!!

Maybe part of it is that my daughter was talked about a lot more, celebrated and showered with gifts! Not that I’m asking anyone for gifts or to throw a “Sprinkle” or anything but a bigger deal seems to be made about first babies, I guess! He’s just kinda been hanging out in there, kinda unnoticed, no gifts from others, no celebration...just me buying things and getting the basics ready! I don’t know, maybe that has something to do with it too...like it doesn’t really feel real yet or something! I don’t know!!

I know they always say that as soon as you meet him, you’ll fall in love! And I really hope that’s the case and I think that’ll be the case but right now, all I’m feeling is some serious anxiety about all the change!

Please don’t judge me! If you’ve gone through similar feelings or currently feel this way, please share your story!