I have to share with you all the nightmarish blowout that I experienced yesterday.

Times like these are best shared with those who understand 😂

My baby loves his ergobaby so he can see everything while I shop. I was at Pick N Save (guess where I live lol) picking up dinner when all of a sudden I smelled something.

A smelly smell. A smelly smell that smelled...smelly. A smell that could only mean one thing.

Poop.

I put my hand between me and my sons back and did a sniff test. Poop confirmed.

Unfortunately/fortunately, my baby now only poops every two days (handy most of them since it’s almost always pee). It’s unpredictable, it’s silent, it’s deadly, and it’s possibly more than a diaper can handle unless we are home and I catch it immediately.

that said, I knew I was in trouble. I took a peek and sure enough, two yellow lines were already oozing through his onesie.

My heart rate picked up considerably; time to think fast. I happened to be in the paper towels and wipes isle, so I ripped off the top of a tissue box and stuffed them between us. I also grabbed a small pack of baby wipes and used it on my hand after my inspection.

My baby was cooing after having produced the worlds biggest shit, but as the smell grew so did my panic. We raced to the self check out and I got through that thing in world record timing. Laden with bags and feeling the ooze, I began to waddle-sprint holding one bag-laden arm over my baby in some sort of attempt to keep him from wobbling too much as we jogged together.

One old lady gave me a weird look as we dashed out into the parking lot. Trying to keep composure, I decided to set us up for as much success as possible, because shit was about to get messy. Groceries in, car running, stroller out of the trunk, towel down, wipes armed and ready. I salvaged some bags I had in my car hanging them off the trunk latch and stroller for poop containment.

It was time to get to work.

First I separated us, nervous to see the damage. I was hoping the ergobaby was spared at least, but it was worse than I thought. Clearly poop had escaped not just upwards, but out the leg holes too. I put my cheerfully poopy baby in the trunk on the towel and removed the carrier, placing it in the pick n save bag containment unit. The white shirt I had naively chosen to wear that day had taken a blow, but it was the least of my concerns.

The more my baby moved, the more poop escaped. I gingerly removed his shorts, revealing that he was wearing poop pants underneath. Cue horror and disgust

We are 26 wipes in and I haven’t even removed the diaper yet. The towel underneath has definitely faced poop wrath as I’m trying my best to suspend my little mans butt in the air.

Finally, the onesie and diaper come off. My baby is exposed to the world in a grocery store parking lot but that’s the least of my worries. I’m sure people walking behind me are turning back to their cars, reconsidering their dinner plans after accidentally catching sight of my baby’s poopy balls. There’s poop on the plastic bags and on me and the towel. We run out of wipes and I thank god that I grabbed another one at the store. Finally he’s clean, both the garbage bag of poop wipes and the containment bag of poopy clothes are packed full. Baby is beginning to tire of the poop game and gets cranky that we are not home and cuddling yet. He looks clean around so he gets a new outfit and is plopped into his car seat.

I feel like a war torn warrior at the point. It’s been 18 full minutes now. I got eggs and meat in the front seat and it’s 89 degrees out.

I managed to scrounge up one more bag to

contain the poop bag, because there was no way I was putting that in my car without guaranteed protection. No more poop to clean up, please.

The last step was to remove my poopy tank top. All I had was a windbreaker from winter in the trunk so I tore off my tank top in plain view of the parking lot and threw that on. And oh my god was that ever the hottest damn piece of clothing I’ve ever worn. I was greasy from sweat within three seconds. I couldn’t even get the sleeves to roll up. Blasting the AC was not enough to help.

We finally make it home.

My baby is crabby as hell. I throw the groceries into the fridge and get to work. My baby may look clean but I don’t want him touching anything else until he gets a bath. He got a good soap up and hose down and finally he got his wish for cuddles. Thankfully he knocked out for a proper nap after that and I was able to get the poop tainted items in the wash and myself into the shower, as I was now both poop stained AND sweaty as hell.

That’s my poop-splosion story. My baby has only had two other blowouts before this and they weren’t nearly as inconvenient. Thankfully the carrier and shorts made it out alive but I’ll have to use stain remover on my shirt and the onesie.