I’m here to simply let out my frustration. Bare with me if I don’t make sense, as I am bawling with a heavy chest.

I would say about 6 years ago my oldest sister that has 3 children had 3 brain strokes which lead to her being paralyzed on one side of her body and for her to lose her speech. It was a devastating time in all our lives because in our heads, my sister was taken from us. She as no longer who we knew all our lives.

Our family took the decision to immediately take care of her children as their father is a dead beat. Keep in mind I was 16 at the time. All the fun and adventures teenagers normally had got taken away from me. I was total fine with that because my sister needed me and so did my niece and nephews.

At 16 I learnt how to change diapers, wake up every hour of the night to help my mother take care of these children, to entertain, to love unconditionally, to hold and tell them everything was going to be just fine and that mommy will be back from the hospital in no time.

At 16 I stopped going to school just to help my mother take on such a big task while she juggles work at the same time.

At 16 I learned how to take care of 3 kids under the age of 5 with the constant fight in my head of me never being able to succeed in life because I now have to be a mommy to all these kids. I would fight with myself “how could you think of yourself when your sisters life turned up side down, how dare you even bring up that thought”.

I would push back those thoughts and dreams because let’s be real, even though my life as a 16 year old is now taking care of kids and not living the normal teenage life was much better than what my sister and her kids have to go through.

I am now 21 years old with a son of my own, most sweet loving and handsome little boy I have ever wished for. Not only am I taking care of 3 kids with the help of my mother of course, working a full time job and now I also have my son to take care of.

Today my sister is functioning which she has been for the past 4 years now, she speaks enough to get by, she’s no more paralyzed as she did a lot of therapy. Which I couldn’t be more happier.

However I still find myself waking up for her kids, feeding them, entertaining them and spending quality time with them. As their mom is totally well now.

I find her sitting on the couch every single day , drinking coffee, eyes glued to the phone and tv. But does the bare minimum around the house and doesn’t help me with her kids.

Now you can imagine how much stress and pressure I’ve had on me on me since I was 16. All the anger built inside of me because I lost a lot and gave up a lot just to be there for my family.

With all the anger, pressure and heaviness in my chest that has been there for years, I find myself sometimes freaking out on my son when he asks me a simple question. At this point in my life I would say I’m easily frustrated. I don’t think of it in the time when I have these episodes.

However tonight, I was putting my son to bed as he asks me to turn over and look at him, which I did. My 3 year old proceeded to say “mommy, am I a bad boy?” I said “no baby, why would you say that?” He says “well mommy, you’re always mad at me and screaming at me and I don’t like it, it makes me sad” I then hugged him so tight and told him that he was the best little boy ever and that I was very sorry for the way I was being towards him and that I love him so so much.

I’m sitting here looking at my innocent son, bawling my eyes out.

Truth is I feel trapped and sad and destroyed inside. I feel like there is no career and future in front of me. All I’m good for is taking care of other people. My family would make me feel guilty about ever moving out and living a life of my own with my son.

I’m so sad. But at the end of the day, I’m happy to have raised all 4 and to see the bond they have with each other