I just want to share, I don't know why.

But if you have advice- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME-

In my adult life, especially the older I get, the more careful I am about who I call my boyfriend, and even more careful, who I call "my partner".

I've ALWAYS been very reluctant to commit to an official relationship. I feel like you should really get to know someone before taking it to that level. Apparently, nobody around me gets this, lol? They say if you're dating only that person, that's your boyfriend. But, I just thought, it should be special to call someone that, you ought to know them & enter the relationship, both people basically knowing what to expect.

So like, no that absolutely hasn't worked for me, I've dated like 4 narcissists and an alcoholic, but I guess it sounds like a great idea on paper so I still consider it my thing to date someone 3-6 months unofficially before letting them call me "girlfriend"- and anyway I don't like the term.

So, I've been dating this guy about 1 monthish? I don't even know.

On our 4th date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no, as I have always done every time anyone ever has asked me that the first time they ask.

I explained myself, but like I said, nobody knows why I'm like this, they're just like "can't relate".

But. I am CRAZY about him. I am so into him, and I want to be his girlfriend?

But I don't know why. Like, I was so happy single, and a relationship makes things complicated for me, and I'm scared because of the previous narcissists,

And i don't want to get into a relationship without him realizing exactly how crappy I actually am- I have anxiety, depression, mania, chronic illnesses, food allergies, and he doesn't even know what I look like without makeup....

How can I just date him only to be so lame a person? I'll never believe he'd choose me, then.

Besides, what don't I know about him?

We have not had sex either, and he seems insecure? That makes me nervous, because I hope he will be able to enjoy it. I can overlook it, but I'm very open about sex (if you see me around here, you know) and I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

He doesnt know I'm pansexual! But i don't talk about it unless it's relevant.

I just feel like I need to make sure he can accept me. I already feel like he will not.

And, he's religious, and I want to make sure not to get in the way of that.

Im reluctant to commit to being official until I see a real clear future with him. Usually I am not someone's girlfriend unless I think it's going to be a long-term thing, (well im always wrong 😂) and I want to avoid hurting him by getting close and leaving at some point.

I'm trying to take my time to make an informed decision.

But my heart, says I'm a fool for saying no, I want to dive in because I don't know if I've ever felt like this, and maybe there are odds against us...

But I just WANT this experience with him.

I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to be stupid.

I don't know why I want it so bad. He'll probably hurt me like everyone else. As long as I stay right here, I'm safe.

We might be better off if it fizzles out, but why do I feel so strongly??