11 weeks miscarriage

Hi everyone,

I figured I’d share my story here since I’m laying in bed without anything better to do.

Me and my partner have been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half. We finally started seeing a fertility doctor for unexplained infertility and after our first round of IUI we were pregnant. We were elated after such a long time of disappointment and tears we were finally going to have a baby. At 6 weeks my fertility doctor put me on progesterone pills because my progesterone level was low. This stressed me out thinking will I miscarry but hearing stories from other moms who were on it gave me reassurance. At 7 1/2 weeks I heard the heartbeat. It was the most magical experience of my life. The fertility doc had “graduated me” and told me to see my regular OB in three weeks time. As I was nearing 11 weeks I started have three days of dark brown discharge. It was mild mixed w discharge . I still hadn’t seen my OB and I called her on a Sunday and she said well see you tomorrow but not to worry the progesterone pills bc that happens . No need to go to the ER.

That night I was excited my appointment got moved up from Thursday to Monday bc I would finally get to see an ultrasound that looked like a real baby. That night I started having mild cramps but I figured it was my uterus stretching.

Around 4 am I woke up in excruciating pain. I couldn’t lay down or sit it was pressure in my belly extending to the back. I couldn’t bend my legs bc they pressure felt worse. I thought maybe it was a really bad stomach bug and I tried going to the bathroom and I had a regular bowel movement and even passed some gas but the pain was still there getting worse. I couldn’t even get dressed at this point and I wanted to cry from the pain. Still I had no discharge . I went to the ER and the moment I got there I felt a huge drop of fluid and the pain was mildly relieved. I went to the bathroom only to see clear fluid that wet my pant liner, underwear and through my pants. ( I guess that’s my water breaking and what active labor feels like on a much smaller scale) They admitted me gave me fluids, ran some tests and did and ultrasound . Being an NP I knew something was wrong I couldn’t see any clear images of the baby. I got back to my room and I was just nonstop crying bc I knew what was happening. This is when I started actively bleeding. The ER resident who probably just started , I’m pretty sure I traumatized him. Because when he gave me the news I was historical . I cried for five mins straight as he stood there in awkward silence. At this point my boyfriend arrived from work.

The OB resident came in and was very matter of fact. Did an exam and said removed tissue . He prescribed me cytotec to actively expel everything and I went home.

I have to say it is the most emotionally draining thing me and my partner have ever been through. It feels like a huge loss and an emptiness I just can’t describe. Me and my partner apologized to each other . I think we both feel guilt bc we were fighting a lot that week. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help thinking what did I do wrong. Was I too stressed? I also hate that I had started telling a few people here and there. Because no one understands unless they’ve been through it and I feel like they poo poo it almost like don’t worry you’ll be pregnant again in no time.

I thought about this baby everyday for 11 weeks on top of trying for over two years . Like it’s horrible. And to have to grieve in silence is bad too but also I wish no one knew . I don’t know . My partner has really been there for me and I’ve been there for him. In a way I think it’s taught us a lesson on how to be kinder to each other . I’m just trying to stay positive and grateful bc I have no other choice.

Now it’s day 4 and I’m still bleeding a lot with horrible cramps. I want to call out tomorrow but is that a sign of weakness? The OB resident said I could return to work in two days , like really bc I feel like shit. Anyways just thought I’d share.