okay so i don’t even really know where to start or what i expect anyone to say but i just need to get this out there in hopes that someone can say something that will help me understand what’s wrong with me.

i’ve never been diagnosed with depression because i’ve never told anyone that i (think) i have it, but i don’t know if i have depression or if something else is wrong but i just don’t know how to make myself happy. i constantly feel empty & sad even when i’m around my friends. the only time i ever feel any actual happiness is when i’m with my boyfriend, & the minute i stop hanging out with him i go back to feeling just as empty & lonely as i did before. i’ve felt like this on & off for about 3 years but for the past few weeks it’s been bothering me a little more than usual.

i don’t eat as much as i used to, i rarely even feel hungry. when i do feel like i’m hungry i literally tell myself that it doesn’t matter & then eventually the hungry feeling goes away & i keep ignoring it until the next time. im lucky if i eat once a day.

i just feel like nothing in my life matters. the only thing that makes me feel like i have anything to live for is imagining a life with my boyfriend when we both finish college. i’m not suicidal, it’s not that i want to die, i just don’t want to exist. i lay in bed every night staring at the ceiling & i feel like i’m barely even alive in the first place. i don’t get very excited about anything, i just genuinely don’t give a fuck about anything that happens & i don’t want to feel like that. i’ve been smoking weed for the past 2 years because it’s the only thing i’ve found that helps me feel normal, & then once the high is gone i feel just as shitty as i did before.

obviously random people’s opinion on the internet isn’t a diagnosis but does it sound like i have depression? should i talk to someone? & if i do talk to someone, what can they even do to make me feel normal? i don’t know what to say to anyone to get help in the first place because i’m not very good at talking about my feeling, thus why i’m anonymously sharing my feelings with strangers on the internet. i just don’t know what to do anymore