As I sit here in my bathroom, I’ve never felt more alone.

My husband and I have been trying for 2 years to conceive. It was his idea to initiate it. We’ve been to doctors, cried over negative tests, everything.

At 7DPO, my husband was venting about his job (military). He said he couldn’t wait to get out in 2 years, then we started discussing how even though I make a considerable income, he’d probably be making minimum Wage to start off with. He told me he felt like if we had a kid, he’d be stuck in the military and he’d kill himself.

I was shocked. I asked why he wouldn’t tell me this sooner. He asked why I didn’t ask him.... I figured that by showing him ovulation tests, him going to a sperm analysis, him asking every month if I was pregnant, talking about being so excited to be a dad, meant that we were on the same page.

I lost it. I asked him why he let me believe him for 2 YEARS. He said he’d done nothing wrong.

My heart is breaking. I’m sitting here horrified too scared to take a test. If it’s negative I’ll breathe a sigh of (terrible sad) relief, but what if it’s positive? I live with the guilt of him committing suicide? I abort the child I’ve dreamed of and prayed for for 2 years just to keep him placated?

I’m so angry. And sad. And resentful. He asked why we haven’t had sex and why I’m so cranky and I tried to tell him how I felt, it just was met with calling me “selfish” for “forcing him to stay in.” He stormed out of the house.

I’m so confused. He’s normally the most loving man. I want nothing to do with him and he’s not giving me room to grieve. He just wants me to be completely fine with him ripping what I thought was both of our dreams right out from under me.

I just don’t know what to do. My tests are showing negative but every day I get closer to the end of 2 weeks I get more scared.