Why is it when you are in your “prime” , when your feeling good and youre picking yourself up… Why is it that the shitty guys youre trying to get away from come right back?

Like okay so this guy i was dating… Of course everything is going great and i really really feel for the guy, like i do. Hes literally my ideal. His style, His personality, Our conversations and even when things are a little rough he really seems to ground me.I mean come i drive 2 hours to go be with him late at night and early mornings.. so ideal right? NO. Why the fuck! do we ignore the red flags? Like how about even though hes there to ground me , hes never really is around when i need him. Hes never really consistant with texting or calling or anything. Maybe a message every sunday or thursday..if im lucky maybe tuesday or ill be able to go and visit him but ehh… nothing really… And thats the problem right there… Nothing really…Not really….Not real.

Hes not real. The “Ideal Image” i have of him HIS NOT REAL. I have no doubt that our bond is real. He cares for me yea but he cares about himself more…

So why is it i visited 3 weeks ago exactly today… and i had heard from him. not a text not a call not a instagram message none of that…. Mind you we’ve been doing this for about 2 years.. All this stupid inconsistent shit.. Ive gone through his instgram , My pictures are on his page like whatever…. And of course he just says hes busy…hes always busy working… but is anyone ever really that busy…

So today..

I had the best fuckin day at work , i earned a extra day on my schedule. Made good money and was able to hit up the swapmeet treat myself to a few things. grabbed some tall cans with my homegirls, hit up the shop got everything i needed and it was a wrap right. Then of course my phone is blowing up.. Messages , Calls , Insta messages all that… Its him. Of course….

Of course i left him on read…duh

But the truth is… i miss him so fuckin much.. the conversations…sleeping together..smoking and eating together and just being in each others company.. But i know these red flags. I notice the patterns… Ive been here before. And i know how it ends. I got so much fuckin love for this kid right… Shit at one point i even thought i was IN LOVE wit him…

But i love me more. I need to be the selfish one.. ITS NOT REAL! remember…

ugh i hope i dont fold.

xo,

V