Undiagnosed meantal illness...?
I think I need to talk to someone about what’s going on in my head. Sometimes there’s just so much going on at once I can’t concentrate or figure out what exactly is happening. Then I get so upset and angry, I can’t even express what’s wrong because I honestly don’t know! I don’t know if it’s depression or anxiety or what it is.. but I just constantly feel judged and worthless, or like I should have done this or I need to do that. It all starts rolling in at once and I can’t put a coherent thought together. I just question everything in my life, if I’m even worth it. (This is not suicidal thoughts, I don’t feel like it is, just that I am not meant to be here? Like I’m living the wrong life??) Then I go through days worth of the bleak existence.. it’s like I’m just doing the minimum to get by with a smile on my face so people think all is normal. Then I’ll finally feel better and will clean the house and do fun things and it’ll be better for a little while, then boom. I’m back to these thoughts and not being able to organize what’s going on upstairs. It’s honestly exhausting.. and I don’t know if I’m even explaining this very well.. I just don’t know! I can’t even begin to describe to you how awful it is to just honestly not know. I can’t even say. I just don’t know.
I’ve tried to tell my SO and he blew it off as a joke and said of course you’re crazy haha blah blah.. I feel like I would be admitting to being a failure if I sought out professional help.
Tomorrow I will read this post and none of it will be right. None of it will sound like what I’m trying to explain.. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not tooting my own horn, but I am a successful, educated woman. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful job. I love my family more than anything, and would do anything for them. It’s just Iike sometimes I’m thinking through a different filter and I cant descramble what’s flowing through?
I just wish I could put it together and spit it out!! I’m already so frustrated with this post!! I’m rambling, hoping I can make it come together.. but it never works.
P.S. I have no negative thoughts toward myself or anyone. If that were the case I would have already talked to a professional.