Falling apart...

I’m not going to hide behind a picture of everything is okay... when in reality I’m falling apart inside. I struggle with not being a full time mommy with my son Christopher because of stupid choices I made and I live with that everyday. Now to think I might not get to be a full time mommy like I wanted is just another gut wrenching punch. I’m falling apart I don’t want to do anything but have paisley and see that she is going to be okay. I am so sick and tired of doctors telling me prepare for the worst and acting like I don’t matter and that this isn’t important. They don’t get that I’ve been carrying her for 8 months now and been feeling every little movement and getting so attached then having to think well there is a good chance your daughter won’t make it. I get it I need to prepare but I can’t why do I want to prepare for the death of my daughter... this isn’t fair, this isn’t what I wanted. Yes I’m angry and hurt and so lost but that’s normal to feel when your world isn’t as you pictured it would be... I have no idea what Gods plan is I’ve tried to figure it out but obviously you can’t do that... I’m expected to trust in Him and lean on him with such a huge thing and let’s be honest I’ve struggled with that from day one.. I’m the type who wants to control this and be organized but let’s face it that’s not happening... the only thing going right now is chaos... I’m exhausted and I’m not okay... I just needed to get that off my chest... thank you for the prayers!