9 weeks and No heartbeat
I went to see the baby today and he was the perfect size and measuring as he should be, but has no heartbeat. He was perfectly healthy and okay, and then he wasn’t. There nothing wrong with my uterus, my ovaries, my blood, my levels, I have no sickness, no infection, no reason, I’m perfectly healthy, but his heart just stopped beating. My BF and I are truly devastated and heartbroken . I can’t stand to look at myself because I have a tiny baby belly and pregnancy boobs, and have the tiny baby in me still. I will have to have a D&C because my body refuses to stop thinking it’s pregnant and my iron levels are extremely low because I’m anemic and I could have to have a blood transfusing if I start bleeding, because the lack of iron. I feel like I’m in denial and like I know the truth, but just keep forgetting it. In my heart I knew something was wrong, I don’t know to explain it, but I could feel it. It was like I could no longer feel the babies presence within me and I knew in my heart. I have no cramping, no spotting, no pain, nothing, but I just knew. I’m not sure how to move forward from here. I have a 2 1/2 year old, working on my bachelors, and have no time to grieve or not be on point. I work in medical, I know this happens all the time, for absolutely no reason at all. I know that everything can be perfectly fine and then not be in an instant. I know that 1 tiny chromosome could have been off and that, because of that it just couldn’t work. Mentally I am capable of understanding of, but emotionally I am not. I have such an amazing BF who is so loving, supporting, and an amazing father to my daughter who isn’t his child by blood, but is his child by heart. I didn’t have that when my daughter was born, my husband at the time left me and my daughter in the hospital alone her first day of life to hangout with his friend. He was demeaning, manipulative, controlling, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. And I am so ashamed to admit it but I had an abortion without him knowing because I was forcefully impregnated by him and terrified and knew that I could never get out of I had another child with him and that I couldn’t take care of me and my daughter if there was another child. So I did something I truly never ever thought that I could possibly even think of doing. And it was horrendous and terrible and I would cry in a bawl all the time desperately wanting that baby back. I felt like a monster. And now I feel like I’m getting what I deserve and that I’m being punished for what I did. I know some people are going to tell me that I should be punished and that’s what I get. You’re right, I agree, it’s what I get, and who am I to feel heartbroken over losing this baby when I willingly chose to make the other no longer exist. So if you tell me that I’m a monster and I deserve it, you’re a right I do, don’t think that I feel no shame. Pain, or guilt. But know that some women make that choice trying to protect their children and that some people who make that choice feel like a monster every day and punish themselves enough that you can’t make them feel any worse than they already make theirselves feel. For those of you strongly against abortion, I’m sorry, and I’ll continue to punish myself . And for those of you who feel the pain I feel, you are not alone, I just want to feel like I’m not alone either. I am so terrified l never have another child again. Maybe that’s what I get. And I should just be grateful that I have a child when others can’t have any. I don’t know.