I’m gonna have to take some time to explain my train of thought here to track my anxiety, so bear with me.

My husband and I have recently decided to start TTC, so on July 17th, I got my IUD taken out. Some background: during the time I had the IUD I never had a period but still noticed when I thought I was ovulating (thick, stretchy discharge was the big sign.) I never tracked when or how often I thought I was ovulating because, at the time, it wasn’t important as we weren’t trying to conceive. But I was like, “Okay, this is a good sign that I at least know I am ovulation somewhat properly.”

Flashforward. Three days after getting my IUD out I gave my first proper period in, like, three years. It lasted an unusual nine days (normal for those who have just had an IUD out) and afterwards I go about my business as usual, waiting for my next round of ovulation so we can get to the baby-making.

It’s now been 42 days since my last cycle. No period. No discharge. Nothing. I feel completely thrown off. My husband and I have had sex several times but I took a pregnancy test today and nothing. I honestly didn’t expect a positive but for some reason it gutted me.

Now my anxiety is sending me into a spiral of thoughts: am I no longer ovulating properly without my IUD? Is something wrong with my period? Does this mean I’m infertile? Will I not be able to conceive? Is it because I’m overweight right now and it’s making it harder to get pregnant? Is it my age? I’ll be 30 this year. Is it that i weaned off my anxiety meds last month and it’s making my period go off? Am I stressing too much and it’s making me miss my period? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong?

I don’t know what to do to talk myself out breaking out of this magical thinking spiral. I know it is VERY early on for someone TTC but as a person who also has never had unprotected sex before, because of fear of unwanted pregnancy, I’m not gonna lie: it’s kind of baffling to me that it didn’t just IMMEDIATELY happen for us.

What can I do? How can I stop this cycle and work on getting pregnant without the fear?