I absolutely love my husband. We have an amazing life together, with a beautiful daughter.

Buuuuuut this is where it gets tricky and I need you guys to read this carefully and try not to judge as I just need vent about it, and I know there will be nasty comments.

Me and my husband have been together over 5 years, 3 married. We’re still young, 24 to be exact.

when I was in 10th grade 15/16 years old, I had this BEST BEST friend. A guy. We did everything together and even got our class schedules changed so we could be together all day long. We spent time with each other’s families. But he fell IN LOVE with me. I knew it, the teachers at school knew it, our families knew it. I didn’t feel the same way for the most part. The feelings were there but I was afraid. But we continued to be friends through it and never brought it up.

At the end of 10th grade I got a boyfriend, and my friend didn’t like that because the guy was a douche bag. He hurt me and emotionally fucked me up. My boyfriend at the time wouldn’t let me see my best friend and eventually we parted ways and he got a girlfriend.

I broke his heart. To pieces. I know I did and I felt terrible. I tried reaching out to him many many many times. His girlfriend refused to let him talk to me because she knew I broke his heart.

I’d check in on him by calling his grandma until we were in 12th grade. Which is when I found my now husband. I told my husband at 17 that I was going to marry him someday. 3 years later I did. We’re married happily and I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted.

Except... I still would occasionally try and check in on my friend and one day he responded.

Just so you guys are all aware, my husband knows everything about my best friend and our past. I’ve even cried about it to him.

But that one day he responded, I was SO happy. I told my husband and everything. I was about 21 years old around that time. We would occasionally talk through messenger and keep in touch and talk about old times and what’s going on “now” with our lives.

We’ve hung out a few times and my husband is happy that I’ve reconnected with an old best friend. (I’m very lonesome) my husband works a lot and I get lonely.

The thing is, though, that old spark between us, from almost 9 years ago, is still there. And I’m pretty sure for him too. But the thing is we’ve never pursued anything. We just hang out like we did when we were kids. He hangs out with my daughter and comes over and whatever. It’s like a pull on my heart strings. I used to call him my “friend soulmate”

The reason I’m writing this, not for advice, but because right now I’m inside charging my phone while the 2 loves of my life are outside playing beer pong together. And I know it would be impossible, but I wish I could have them both.

My best friend came to me after my mom finally got out of an abusive relationship where we got beat too.

And my husband came to me when I got out of my crappy 2 year abusive relationship.

They came to me in a part of my life that I needed them most, where I thought that life was not worth living.