I’m mostly silent on these boards. I read posts and quietly pray and hope for everyone who is in their different stages of waiting.

I posted back in June about finally getting pregnant after ttc for about ten months. That baby would’ve been our third. At our first appointment (8w 5d) we were told that while the baby was measuring at 8w3d there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C the following Monday. I had no symptoms of miscarriage and we were completely shocked after having two healthy pregnancies.

Four weeks later I had a follow up appointment with my doctor and he told me everything was fine. But he also told me that I needed to take my time and grieve. Only try again when and if I’m emotionally ready.

Grief is a funny thing.

Some days I have myself fooled. I’ll have a successful day at work (I teach kindergarten, which presents it’s own challenges I carry around), I get my other two children to whatever extra-curricular actives they’re participating in that day, get my family fed, and get the kids into bed. Sure, I think about the baby that could’ve been. But, I don’t dwell on it. I simply acknowledge my sadness and move on.

These days make me feel like I’m ready to try again. That maybe my heart can handle it.

Then I have days like today. Days that I feel like I’m so far in the dark, I won’t be seeing any light for awhile. Days that it’s all I can do to NOT cry walking in Walmart past the baby sections. Days that I get a baby shower invitation in the mail for my sister-in-law and feel so guilty for the jealously that I feel. Days that I hide in the bathroom from my kids and my husband so they don’t see me cry. Days that I can’t help but cry and have to tell my kids, “Sometimes Mommy just gets sad.” Days that I want to crawl under the covers and not come out. Days that I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. Days that I simply can not handle life as it’s going on around me.

Today is hard. Tomorrow might be too. I’m just hoping that one day soon I won’t feel like a liar when I tell someone, “I’m okay.” That I won’t have to pretend around my family so that they won’t worry. That I can think about this baby that could’ve been and remember all that I’ve learned from this loss without feeling like I’m crumbling inside.

I understand this is dark. But please don’t feel like I want to end my life. I don’t. I have so much to live for. My son and daughter mean the world to me and I would never willingly leave them. I just feel like I’m in such a bad place, I need to express it in some way or it’s going to keep eating me alive.