LONG POST ALERT!

Y’all I’m so lost I don’t know what to do. I had my baby August 22 and I’ve felt very shitty since. My experience in the hospital made me so stressed and drain I haven’t enjoyed my daughter the way I thought I would. I checked in August 21st to induce my labor at 6 that night I was so excited I got checked in, took my clothes off put my gown on, answered all the questions they had for me and they put a pill vaginally inside me to get me to dilate because I wasn’t dilated at all. The next morning around 3am I went ahead and got the epidural because I was hurting so bad. Well time went by and I was perfectly fine I couldn’t feel a thing so I headed back to sleep. I slept the whole morning my ob came in at 12pm August 22 to wake me and break my water. By the time she came in I was 1cm dilated. Around 2 pm my epidural start to wear off I was In so much pain to where I couldn’t breath. Come to find out my epidural didn’t take so the meds numbed me for a min but that was about it. Y’all I was in so much pain I was crying like a baby in front of my entire family. They finally got tired of me hurting and went and got my nurse. A new Anesthesiologists came in around 3:30ish and gave my another epidural. Once again I felt great all the pain went away and I was up communicating with my family. Hours went by and that epidural wore off AGAIN. I was in so much pain contractions were off the paper. At the time I was begging for a c section but I was never heard. I know it’s not that easy but being the fact not one but two epidurals fail on me I didn’t want to get another one. I kept asking for my dr but the nurses response were “she’s in clinical... she won’t be here until she finishes” that there pissed me off because I was hurting so bad and there was nothing anyone could do. I was also high risk so what if something would have went left??? Would she still have stayed in clinicals? I start to throw up because all the meds they were pumping in me. My dr didn’t come back to the hospital until 4pm. I was about 6-7cm dilated then. They finally sent another anesthesiologists in my room for a spinal tap. Well he was back there for a min, he told me I was going to feel tingling in both my legs which the first time I didn’t but the second time I did. He then moved it again and a really strong burn ran down my right leg to where I screamed. He told me I have scoliosis and my vertebrae was twisted which was a lie I’m 24 and this is the first time of me hearing this my whole life. What I do have is spinal bifida which we had told the nurses during check in. I went to the er a month before the baby was born because my back was hurting so bad I thought I was in labor. My mom thought it was the spinal bifida so we went ahead and told the nurse. I had also informed my ob and asked her would it affect anything and she simply said no so I thought nothing of it. Well the anesthesiologists start to go off on me asking me why didn’t I tell the first guy that came in about my spinal bifida. I didn’t say anything because I thought they knew and saw my charts. So he went on with the spinal tap finally found the spot put the meds in my back and my body went limp . Once they put the meds in me everyone let me go and I almost hit the floor. My baby father had to catch me. Once again the meds relaxed me I took another nap. Around 6:30ish 7pm we start to get closer I was 7-8cm dilated. I was put on the peanut ball which helped me open up a lot around 9-10pm I was fully dilated the feeling in my legs also had start to come back so I was ready to get the baby out of there. I started to push and the baby heart rate went down so fast. It started at 160 and was dropping in the 90s they tried to turn me on my side to see if that would help while I was pushing and nope it didn’t. My ob gone have the nerve to ask me what I wanted to do. I simply looked at her and said “c section”. So I stopped pushing and they covered me back up and wheeled me to the room to have the c section well while they are doing that they are still pumping meds in me to numb me back up which wasn’t working cause I could feel my legs at this point. They suited the baby father and my mom up and got them prepared to come in the room. The nurses started to punch my stomach to make sure I couldn’t feel it well I DID! I flinched EVERY TIME so they knew not to cut me. When the father and my mom walked in they told my mom they could only give me so much more meds . Well I then heard my ob say “we just going to do it really fast” then the nurse asked if I could feel my legs. I started to kick and the look on everyone face was priceless. They then told my mom and baby father to leave and they was going to have to put me under. Well I’m laying there nervous and a nurse got a Doppler and was looking for the baby heart beat she couldn’t find it and I freaked out. I started asking questions about the baby then I blacked out. When I woke up I was in the recovery room. The first thing I asked was about my child. No one answered me and it freaked me out even more. I finally got full control of my vision and spotted a name tag. I said “ marrisa where is my baby” she said “ow she’s fine I’m going to go get her”. She brung her into the room where I was along with my mom and child’s father.. we waited there for 30 min and went back to the room. The moment I got back to my room I knew all my heart ache and pain was over but every since Thursday *August 22* I haven’t felt like myself at all. Her birthday was suppose to be beautiful and filled with happiness. I feel like I’m going day to day with a baby. I love her so much and I’m very selfish when it comes to her dad or her grandparents getting her but every night I close my eyes I have nightmares and wake up sweating about being in the hospital all over again. I have been thinking about going to counseling but I feel robbed. I feel like they took my joy away and it hasn’t came back. I feel I was neglected and ignored.😭😭😭😭😭