The struggle is real...feel better getting that out

All I ever wanted to do was be a mommy. I wanted to stay at home with my babies and raise them and love them and be a house wife. There was a point I thought that wouldn’t happen but I found the most amazing husband and after a year of marriage we started trying. It took over a year during which time so many people around us had babies and I would be so jealous because I wanted that.

When we found out I was pregnant I was so excited and at the same time just content because it just felt right. This is what I should be doing. When I delivered my daughter I was so happy, I finally had my baby and I was staying at home to take care of her this was what I was suppose to do with my life was to be a mommy.

Since bringing my beautiful girl home I’ve struggled a lot.

I had a hard time the first few weeks with my hormones leveling and I cried all the time, I got aggravated with my husband easily and I just felt so overwhelmed. Then things got easier, we were finding our way and figuring each other out. Unfortunately she doesn’t always like my husband holding her and that made it so difficult to get some things done and on top of that my body wasn’t producing enough milk for her and that made me feel exhausted and defeated. But after a few weeks she got better with my husband and we talked and I decided to stop breastfeeding for my own emotional sanity, she got 3 months of BM and that’s what counted.

Things where great for a few weeks and then the last couple days hit and they hit hard. She can be so happy and then start crying and no matter what I do nothing seems to work and it’s so sad and frustrating at the same time. She won’t let my husband console her so it’s just me and even I’m not enough sometimes. When she gets like this I get frustrated and then I feel shitty because who gets upset with a 12 week old. Then I get in my own head and I wonder, even though I love her more then I can process maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mommy if I can’t even figure out what my daughter needs or wants. How can I be a stay at home mom and spend day and night with this little person for 3 months and not know how to console her. I try not to go down that rabbit hole but it’s hard.

And then ya know what she finally calms down, I calm down and she coos or smiles at me and my heart swells so much I could cry I love her so much.

Being her mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I love it