ED and pressure to look anorexic

I just need to rent. I have pcos and I struggled with my body image and weight all my life. I survived sexual assault and rape and bulimia was my coping mechanism in my teens. I weighed 47kg, and I’m 172cm tall. In my early ‘20 I was in abusive relationship and I gained lots of weight, about 20-25kg. When that relationship ended (and it ended with physical violence) I started weight lifting and dieting and got back to a healthy weight (about 60kg). Last year I started weight lifting more seriously and now I have pretty nice body. I don’t look like fitness model, but I’m healthy and my eating disorders are under control most of the time (in 2019. I had 2, maybe 3 bulimic episodes, under tremendous stress).

So now I’m trying to get more muscles, I want to be stronger than ever, I’m turning 30 in couple of months, so I’m asking some female trainers and powerlifter to help me with supplements for muscle gain.

And all I get from them is that I need to lose some body fat and weight. Im 172cm tall, and have 56-57kg. I don’t want to be underweight or trigger again bulimia. I’m trying so hard to accept my body and not compare it with anyone’s body. I don’t have any aspirations to be fitness model, I just want to be strong and healthy, but all I can hear is that I’m fat and I starting to believe that maybe I can lose some kilograms, and then I remember how it felt to be bulimic and anorexic.

I’m literally in cycle of hell, between feeling fat and underweight and I don’t know what to do. My body image is fucked up again. It’s changing like in hours, I’m feeling like I’m losing my mind.

If any woman here was in same situation, and possibly has any suggestions or solutions, I’ll be extremely thankful.

Also, I’m going to psychotherapy but my therapist is on vacation for two more weeks and I can’t reach her. She’s out of country. So I need to fix myself by myself until she come back. My body dysmorphia is kicking really strong now and I’m feeling so anxious and tired.