So, I feel this is stupid to be upset about because thats how everyone has made me feel thus far

*Long post/rant warning*

I'm a FTM and I kinda expect a lashback of "you'll get over it" kinda responses but, I just need to get this out.

I'm almost in my third trimester, I hit it next week and I'm not worried about losing my lil man at this point. I'm more worried about once he's here and having to go back to work after maternity leave. My fiancé, who will be my husband by the time hes here and I go back to work cause our wedding is next month, and I work a lot right now. I'm in the middle of balancing two jobs, I work my old job one day a week (in case I wanna come back after maternity, my trainer position and all my raises are secured still and I won't have to start from square one) and I'm just now working a new job within the next week so I can see if I'm happier there cause they're willing to give me more hours than my old job. But, that story in itself is a huge mess.

Overall, ill be working one job when I go back, but, whatever ill choose will be working me all week except for 2 days, same with my fiancé as thats his current schedule anyway, and I know that's normal for working. But, we both work mid afternoon all the way to nights, sometimes late nights (like almost 11, wont get home till after midnight) and I'm just nervous and scared of missing all of my son's milestones and it won't feel like I'm doing the actual parenting but, his grandparents will be as they'll be the one to watch him when we're at work. I will cry if I miss those cause I know I won't want to go back to work but have to in order to help with bills and being a responsible mother. I just..I dunno, I don't want to feel like I barely get time with possibly my only child and I know I dont need to be stressing over this but I can't help it cause I know he'll be "raised" differently than how I want him to be. Ill feel like I'm barely apart of this life my fiancé and I have created due to having to work so much and I just want nothing more than to see his first steps and hear his first words...but I logically know that if we're at work every single day but two days a week and we'll need the sleep in the morning to function then I won't get to even though it can happen at any point.

My fiancé's mother has already been like "I can't wait to teach him colors and shapes and words" and I just forcefully smile cause i can't be bitter towards the people who will be watching him while we're at work...but, I want to teach him those things, I want to teach my son my way and I won't be able to..it tears me apart and I can't help but to cry to myself when I get alone time cause I know my fiancé won't see anything wrong with it...

I have no disrespect towards how they raise kids, but, my fiancé and I have had to overcome a lot of his upbringing to even stay together and undo it cause they are such hard right conservative people who've taught their children a certain way and they refuse to listen to anything that's remotely different from what they see as "right" and will very vocally tell you so, even interrupting you every few seconds, until you give up arguing with them and they "win".

I don't want that at all for my son, but, all anyone has told me if I get vocal about it is basically "theres not much you can do so just get over it" and it hurts. A lot.

It makes me not want to go back to work at all, but I don't have that option at all. I want to be a stay at home mom and teach him the way I think is best for him so he can be a good person and very open minded of all walks of life instead of him being pumped full of his grandparents old fashioned "This is how you should act and behave and any other way is wrong and you should express that no matter how it comes off."

I know it seems idiotic to think this way, even though I really dont think so, and no one really cares about what I have to say about the way he'll be raised or what I want to be apart of. ive already be undermined about him not going to church until he can decide that for himself by my fiancé. I'm pagan who was forced into Christianity when I was younger, even if i expressed I didnt want to go, and I have had the most guilt for leaving the church and faith behind when I was 13 and finally doing what made me happy, even though I was heavily bullied in school for it. Whoo hoo bible belt...

Hes a Christian who's been going to church since he was a week old and stopped when he was 18 so he could work more. It was either he goes to church sometimes or he goes to church sometimes, there will be no "not going at all". And its been left that way cause it has to be a compromise of both of our beliefs, but, with working so much I wont ever get to teach my son about my beliefs while he's growing up and I don't want him getting so deep into christianity that he sees what I'm doing as "wrong" or "sinful" as his parents do or like my fiancé did when we got together.

There's so much I have bottled in cause I'm already being undermined about how I want to raise him and I know it'll just be another fight between my fiancé and I..

I just want to be around for my son so I can teach him the way I wish so he can be a positive, open minded person instead of working all the time and him being basically raised by his grandparents and being taught closed-mindedness.

So, if you stuck around this long, thanks. I just needed to get a lot off my chest and this is one of the few places I can without automatically being told I'm wrong and have to get over it..