Hate hate hate hate ttc

I hate taking my temperature first thing on the morning

I hate seeing where my cervix is

I hate cervical mucus

I hate having a period every month

I hate feeling over joyed for all my friends and family who are annoying they are pregnant only to be full with dread and sadness only to try to hide it and be depressed for days at a time

I hate being depressed over it and seeing him hurting because I’m hurting

I hate seeing him destroyed.

I hate taking ovulation test every month

I hate take a pregnancy test and seeing it negative.

I hate seeing all the females on here suffering the same as me

I hate seeing all the different miscarriages

I hate seeing all the still borns

I hate all the pain every single female on here seems to be going through.

All I want is one little bean to stick

One little bean to grow.

One little bean to kick

One little bean to wiggle

One little bean to have in a water birth naturally

One little bean to cry

One little bean to open its eyes

One little bean to breast feed

One little bean to crawl

One little bean to walk

One little bean to run.

I just want my own baby. My own piece of myself to hold to do everything with.

There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to have my own bean from ivf to shots to surrogate to sperm donar.

We all want the same things

We all are going through the same things

Yet all of this is all still so taboo and unusual. I don’t talk to anyone at home about ttc. My only outlet is here. My only thought process and questions and healing process the whole nine yards is survived through this whole app.