Possible Trigger Warning

So this might be a trigger warning. & I apologize in advance.

So to dive in (this bit is important) I was raped when I was 4 & molested about 4 years after & then again in high school so I’ve got some issues.

Anyways

I have a boyfriend who I’m absolutely in love w/ & he’s everything to me been together 3 years & we live together. He was my first & he’ll be my last.

When we were having sex today I suggested we try something & he said no he wasn’t ready for that & it kinda hurt my feelings & embarrassed me a little so I asked him to stop & he didn’t (I spoke w/ him about it after & he said he didn’t know that’s what I was asking him to do. I am NOT mad @ him & ik he didn’t do anything wrong)

When I was talking to him about this I told him that I kept picturing him “taking me” & being forceful & it turned me on.. & now I just feel INCREDIBLY fucked up in the head because something that was so traumatic to me & others is a kink I guess.. I think I’m just asking if it’s weird that I discovered it turns me on..