Disgusting

I’ve struggled with different eating disorders since middle school. I’m embarrassed because I’m a fat fucking cow. I hesitate to even type this because I’m literally repulsive. I’m 5”3’ and 180 lbs. its truly awful. I’m literally gross and fat. I’m slipped back into unhealthy eating bc of a triggering experience I had over summer. I started purging regularly and starving sometimes. When I eat I get nauseous if I don’t eat I get nauseous. If I think about my self I get nauseous. If I look at my body I get nauseous. I guess I don’t mind being thick or whatever and rationally speaking I understand that I have a curvier body but also I feel like people only say that to me because I’m fat and no one wants to call me out on it. Ugh it’s so bad. I hate myself. I want to start running again and not eating more than 100 cal per day. Maybe that’s too much. I just want to be empty so I can focus on that more than all the pain I feel from other stuff. I love my ED, she helps me through hard times and makes me feel safe, seen, and warmly embraced. I know it’s sick thinking. I can’t separate myself from it. I’m in therapy. I’m also a fucking psych major so. I’m a mess.