Someone who understands.

I was 17 when I got married to my first husband, my high school sweetheart. That was rough, he became physically abusive and after 10 years, I finally gathered the courage to walk away. I rebuilt my life and met a man 5 years younger than me and I feel like after almost 4 years, Im just tired. Weve had our ups and downs, hes done a lot of damage to my trust and faith in him and recently, after disappearing for 4 hours and running around God knows where and lying to me about it, I packed his things and told him I was done. Given hed done this a few times by then. I had made a plan, I was prepared to just move forward with my life. Excited about no longer having to question or worry or even "babysit" him like I felt I have the past 3 years. Excited about meeting new people and possibly finding someone who appreciated me, someone I didnt have to doubt. But as I started, he begged me not to, and promised hed change. That was almost 2 months ago and honestly, he did change. Hes tried so much harder than Ive ever seen him try but I just feel like, that day, something in me died. That broke the final straw and I had lost all respect for him and tho I love him, I feel as if its not enough now. The damage was done and I want to force myself to try, as he did but its not working thus far. I keep thinking of that empowering feeling of just walking away an the weight that had lifted of no longer having to worry. The thoughts of finding someone who I knew loved me and would never risk losing me. That didnt run around, lie and appreciated me. Even tho, I think he feels that way now, I just think it may be to late for me. Has anyone else felt this way? Can you come out of it or is it a lost cause? Even though Im slowly building trust back for him, I just dont ever want to go through the same cycle again an honestly, I just have a feeling, this change is brief but thats because the lack of faith I have in him now. I dont really have many friends nor do I really share private details of my life which is why this is anonymous. I just need someone with advice. Its almost like my heart and mind are at war. My hearts telling me to stay an work this out but my mind is saying you need to go now before it happens again, dont be a fool. 😔