Please help-long post about MIL

Okay so I’m very conflicted about my mother in law. I’ve been with my husband 2 years now, and he has a young daughter with his ex. (Who I adore).

I don’t know if this is common with all, but I personally feel like there should be some kind of boundary with the ex, my husband and I agree and feel strongly that our bind is strictly with his little girl, and that his ex’s relationship with his mom is closer than it should be.

She doesn’t reach out to me, and if she does it’s because I text her first. Husband and the ex have an agreement to have their daughter every other holiday and event, so if he has her thanksgiving, she has her for Christmas, etc.

But she talks to his ex constantly, buying her special gifts for her birthday, and invites her to almost every get together and holiday. (Even tho my husband and her had an agreement that they’d do every other holiday when it comes to their daughter). And she keeps us out of the loop so we get there and there she is. And really anything my husband says to his ex, she tells his mom, like for example if we can’t take his daughter for a weekend (out of town, sickness, and we let the ex know ahead of time and she seems perfectly fine with it), he’ll get a text from his mom right after and express her disappointment in him.

I do wanna stress that I love his girl very much, and love that we’re able to share the holidays with her even if it’s not scheduled that way, it’s just how involved my MIL is with the ex that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I’m at a loss as to what to do, she treats her and gives her the attention I’d love to get from her. She treats her like the daughter in law.

I’ve expressed this and my husband has as well, about how their closeness and inviting her to all our get togethers without our knowledge is not normal, but she sees nothing wrong with it and then goes on and says I complain I’m not close with her but I don’t put in effort, when I’ve gone to every family function, and I’m the one who reaches out to her. She says her normal isn’t ours and will continue to do what she wants.

Thanks if you stuck around, I know this is long, please I’d love some advice. Anything really.