I just needed to get this off my chest

I feel like the worst mother in the world and my baby isn’t even here yet. Most of these thoughts are getting stuck in my head because of the father of my child.. Telling me how much of a horrible person I am for keeping our son out of his life.. But at the end of the day after I’ve replayed every situation in my head of what could and couldn’t happen if he was in my son's life has played though my head the best option is to keep the father out of the picture.

The father of my child is a major pothead. There’s also two police records of domestic abuse over him dragging me across a parking lot in May and throwing me into a wall in July. There’s also a drug charge for either Meth, Crack, or Opioids on his record. Not to mention the countless drug charges for pot and the two jail times and so much more. But I’m not writing this to talk about that.

I don’t want the father of my child to be in my son's life. I don’t want him around and I don’t want my baby to ever meet him. Now does this mean that I’m going to tell him that his dad doesn’t love him and that he abandoned him? No. My son’s going to know that his dads not in the picture because he didn’t want to be a dad. He’s going to know that I am the one that left and that I left for my own reasonings. I’m not going to tell him that his father was a horrible man who’s hurt me countless times. I’m not going to tell him about the drugs and everything else. I’m going to tell him that I tried my best to do what I thought was best for his needs and his safety.

But at the end of the day after I have told myself so many times that this is the best option for my child, I still feel like the worst mother in the world. Because I am going to try my hardest to keep my son away from his father. I have had so many people tell me how petty I am for keeping a child away from his father. I’ve been told that I’m selfish and that if the dad wants to be in the picture that he has every right to be no matter the abuse, drugs, or the fact he can’t even take care of his first child because he refused to get clean for him. I’ve been attacked over social media, I’ve lost friends over this whole situation.

As I get closer to my due date the more fear builds up inside my body and the more I worry and I panic that I’m going to wake up and my baby is going to be gone because his father took him in the middle of the night and that I can’t do anything about it because he’s the father and then I’m going to get a call that my baby is dead because he threw him or shook him because he wouldn’t stop crying. And then all these other thoughts pop into my head and I’m panicking and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know who to talk to because I am so paranoid that someone’s going to tell him where I am and he’s going to take my baby from me and so I've pushed everyone away and I just feel like I'm going crazy! I just feel so alone but at the sametime I’m so scared to trust anyone to even be able to talk to them and get anything off my chest…

I’m sorry for the really long rant.. Thank you if you read all of this..