I feel guilty

I’ve written about this in here before, but it’s really eating at me lately. My mom is dying. She is dying at only 40 years old because of brain cancer. She only has a few months left. A week before she had a continuing seizure, I found out I was pregnant. My pregnancy really kept a light in such a horrible dark time. I spent every day with her. But since having my son, all my focus is on him and figuring out how to be a parent. I talk to her every day, but I only see her for about a week every month. She lives an hour away and I don’t drive, so it’s hard to get to her. She is seriously the most amazing mom in the world. My best friend. Because she was so young when she had me, it’s almost like we grew up together. Like sisters. And now I can see her slowly leaving me. She’s slowly becoming someone I don’t know. She can barley speak, or walk. She has delusions and hallucinations. Her brain is shutting down. I feel so selfish. How could I not be here for her like a daughter should be? How could all my focus be on my child, when I am her child and I should be by her side until she dies. Im traumatized by finding her on the floor, and watching her choke on her own vomit, not waking up from the seizure. I’m not ready for my mom to die. I’m too young, she’s too young, I still need her so bad.