My abusive ex boyfriend (left him in june) who I was with for about 8 months: the first time I had sex with him I made it clear that I didnt want to yet, I said I was uncomfortable and I was obviously hesitant and nervous but he forced his hand down my pants anyway and I just let him. I was disgusted because I was on the last day or so of my period and I didn't know why he was pushing so hard. He had told me he had been with other girls before but I found out later that was a lie. He had even made up back stories for them and said one of them raped him. I still cant understand why he would lie about something so awful? For pity??

Anyway there was a handful of times after that where I wasnt in the mood and would tell him that and hesitate and show I was uncomfortable (if i told him no straight out he would guilt trip me and emotionally abuse me and say I didnt love him and what not so no matter what I felt forced) but he would push and push until I just stopped fighting it and let him do whatever he wanted. The few times I cried in front of him afterwards he would break down and play victim so I ended up consoling HIM. Nearer to the end of the relationship the sex was more consensual(?) bc I was initiating it mostly, (my thought process was that maybe if I was more willing he would stop abusing me because I was satisfying him or whatever - spoiler alert, didnt work) but he wouldn't wear a condom when I would tell him and so I'd tell him he had to pull out which he agreed to [superficially]. Then at the last second he wouldn't pull out and I would feel gross and used and wronged. I dont want to call any of that rape bc of how real that makes it, but is it?? Its definitely sexual abuse and I'm still coming to terms with it all because what happened hits me in waves and I remember stuff that happened so sporadically. Any advice?

Forgot to add: there was some good sex more towards the middle of the relationship where I didnt feel as dirty and scared but he would count the days since we last messed around and bug me with it. Like, "its been 3 days since we last had sex" or "it's been a whole WEEK" so there was /always/ that feeling of being guilted and pressured