I feel split, like im happy with myself and I like myself quite a lot... until anyone is around or close to me? Then I feel like I am worthless and a burden for just existing?

So I'm really comfortable alone, speaking to nobody at all, and single.

Whenever I get close to people, I feel bad. Whenever I date, I almost implode, I just feel so shitty, like anyone could find a better person to be with. Even though, I'm pretty cool, why do I feel so terrible? I feel like my feelings are inconvenient and I'm very guilty for having them, I feel terrible I have a weird diet and don't like meeting anyone, and I'm very simple in the things I like to do, and complicated in a lot of strange ways. I really hate a lot of things normal people find fun- like rides, eating at restaurants and shopping or meeting anyone new.

And I have a lot of issues from being treated bad in previous relationships, and I feel bad for not being completely healed from it.

I'm always just so afraid I'm hurting people and that I'm a waste of their effort because I don't need them...

But I realize actually having relationships is healthy mentally... lol

Im distant with friends and usually stop talking to them.

When I date I just have a bunch of intense anxiety attacks. About losing my identity, about losing them, about feeling horrible about myself as a partner.

Yet, when im alone, I feel happy with myself and I don't feel bad in a lot of ways. I don't feel bad about my looks, I don't feel bad about my failures in life, I don't mind what people think about my decisions or ideas. I feel confident in those ways and accept myself. I'm always excited to do projects and learn new things. I have plenty of hobbies and interests.

I want to connect with people, what's my problem?