Venting. This is going to sound conceded and selfish, but i don't care. I'm venting, not here to work through the issue, that can only really be done with my SO. Anyway. I'm pissed and fed up. I meant to have kids, I'm meant to be a mother. So much so that before i met my SO, soul mate, and life partner, i was ready to have babies solo. Than i fell in love and knew it would be even greater sharing life with my partner. I am very, VERY spiritual. I do not let societies Standards control my life or decide when and how i should live my life. I've worked my ass off for the past 5 years to get financially stable and have a job that would allow me the freedom to be a mom and fully support my family. I was ready to be a mom before My SO even came in the picture. After we fell in love i obviously pushed the baby Makin back because, well, can't have a baby with a guy i just met. Now 4 years, a home, and 2 cats later I'm ready to have our baby. This isn't a shock to my SO because from the start he knew my beliefs, he knew my purpose is to have kids. And we had a talk in the begining, and every few months to make sure we were on the same page. We both agreed to have kids three years in, we both agreed that as long as we are financially stable, we've knowledge that our purpose on this Earth is to have children, he literally has the same beliefs as me. well now we're four years in, every 4 months I check back in to see if he's ready to start trying, and he never is. He he always says that he wants to be more secure in his job, and make more money. He has a job that would allow him to continue moving up or make more money, he settled, he has a good job he has good pay, we literally live very comfortably. There's nothing more to do financially. I'm to the point where of crying every night. I'm starting to resent him. I feel like he is holding me backand I'm even more mad because I made my wants and desires very clear in the beginning of the relationship, and he agreed. He's been agreeing with everything that I feel this whole relationship, it comes down to it it's like he's lying to him self and to me. I'm so done. I'm stuck. Now i have to choose between kids and the love of my life. I feel like he led me on. I have no idea honestly if he will ever be ready. He always wants things to be better than they are, but I'm very happy with the way things are now. I'm not always chasing the next best thing, I'm content, stable, I'm beyond grateful and blessed, why should I keep asking for more money just to live my life and start family?

I cry everyday the pain hurts so bad. It's truly a physical pain in my chest and such an overwhelming longing to be a mom