Help!

I know here I won’t face judgment

Help so let’s rewind I recently went through a miscarriage back in August I had an abortion done but miscarried before both me and my spouse agreed on the abortion (do not judge me). I only did because I thought it’ll be selfish to my 1 year old and financially we do not have the funds, since then I have felt horrible. I watched everything g take place and it was so much blood I promised to never do it again!!

Fast forward to present period was due Friday nothing came but 2 other apps I use said I was due Monday🥴. Out of curiosity I tested I had to sneak and do it. (I brought a test while running errands he did not know I brought it) only reason for discretion. Anyways instantly it came back positive well after a min (blue dye) my heart sunk I pretended to shower so he did not know what I was doing. I am kind of happy but disappointed, I do feel Gods punishing me because he knows I knew better. Let me point out we were very careful this time around verses the last time we just said f-it. I’m not sure on how to tell him, not sure how I feel or he will feel? I do know I do not want to experience another miscarriage, abortion or D&C, all were very traumatic. I do feel in a way I’m being selfish if I keep this baby and I would because I told him if I ever got pregnant again I’m working because we’re doing a Midwive birth! No negative comments or judgment thanks!