Sad and lost in life


This is a bit long but just need to get it off my chest

So I'm in my last year of school and I just feel really down and like I'm no longer living, just existing. Around 2 years ago I was the 'perfect girl'; lots of guys fancied me, girls said they wanted to be like me, I had loads of friends, I got As in most of my subjects and everyone liked me.

But gradually things went downhill. I started dating this guy, didn't even really like him that much at first but fell completely in love with him after 4 months of dating. I was so obsessed with him that I gave up everything else in my life and made him my number 1 priority. I chose to spend my time with him and not my friends, I didn't revise for my exams so I could hang out with him. Gradually my grades started getting worse and friends drifted away from me because I wasn't bothering anymore. I became so dependent on this boy for happiness.

Then about 6 months into the relationship he started losing interest in me. I'd often see him flirt with other girls and he'd say he's "too busy" or "too tired" to hang out with me. I became so paranoid that he would dump me and developed an eating disorder because I was so unhappy with what my life had become and was no longer receiving the love I used to get from him.

Since all my old friends had left me and my boyfriend was no longer interested in me I became vulnerable and dependent on one of the few friends that I had. I told her everything about my life and she seemed like she cared about me. But turns out she only befriended me to climb the social hierarchy and ended up bullying me and telling people who I don't even know about my eating disorder.

Because I had lost this new friend and been bullied I became more dependent on my boyfriend. But because he no longer loved me he ended up dumping me and then dating the girl which he flirted with all the time 2 weeks later.

At this point I just hit rock bottom. Realised that I've lost everything, my popularity, reputation, friends, grades, happiness. I felt so alone and depressed that my eating disorder worsened and had to be put on anti depressants because I was having suicidal thoughts.

I often still feel really crappy and like I've lost everything. School is no longer fun and is really difficult for me. I have to watch my ex and his new gf everyday and act like I'm perfectly fine. I am struggling with the schoolwork aswell. I now get Ds and Es in my exams instead of As like I used to and it just makes me feel like I'm a complete failure. I want to go to university and I'm worried that this whole thing has ruined my future. I do have some friends at school but they aren't the best. I tend to feel quite alone and trapped there so skip class a lot. There's not much point in me going cause Im so far behind on the syllabus and dont even understand any of the work.

I also feel physically disgusting because I used to have a nice figure, slim thick with a nice bum and small waist. But now I'm extremely thin due to my eating disorder and sometimes guys are mean to me about my weight.

That's all I really wanted to say tbh. I know to some people it might not seem like my situation is that bad but I am struggling to cope with it and just needed to let it all out. Anyone got any advice for me on how I can turn things around and get back to the girl I used to be??

Thanks xx